Trump supporters. They’re your friends, your co-workers, even your family members. You’ve tried to change their minds about Donald Trump, struggled to comprehend their devotion to him, and thrown your hands up in exasperation.
But maybe the simplest course of action, the path of least resistance, is to join them. If you can’t beat ’em, become a card-carrying member. Just think of it: no more will you experience awkward silence at social gatherings! No longer will you have to hide your true feelings about the President. Doesn’t that sound nice?
The ways of Trumpism may seem inexplicable to you, but we’re here to help. Follow these 10 easy steps, and you can be a Trump supporter too!
1. Transform your worldview into “Us vs. Them.”
There was a time when compromise was an appealing concept. Those days are over. If you want to support Donald Trump, you have to accept that there is no common ground, no road to compromise between one side and the other. WE are always right, THEY are always wrong. WE are the good guys, THEY are the bad. WE tell the truth, THEY lie.
Consequently, THEY must be humiliated and destroyed at all costs.
“Who are THEY, specifically?” you ask? How much time do you have? It’s a very long list, but its most noteworthy members include:
- Democrats
- Elites
- The Media
- LGBTs
- Robert Mueller
- Mexicans, Canadians, and all other foreigners
- NATO, NAFTA, and other foreign nations and our various agreements with them
- Haters and Losers
- Anyone who criticizes President Trump in any way
Let’s be clear. Every word that is said in modern politics is a line in the sand, and you are either with us or you’re against us. It does not matter what you have in common with your neighbor, your circle of friends, or even your loved ones. If they don’t support President Trump, you can’t trust them.
2. Defend Trump no matter what.
Donald Trump IS the United States of America, so you cannot be a real patriot if you don’t support and defend everything he says and does. Likewise, attacking President Trump is attacking America itself. Anyone who criticizes him doesn’t deserve to live here.
Who cares if he’s told a few thousand lies while in office? WE know the truth: it’s all just strategy! So what if he’s had some indiscretions here and there. Nobody’s perfect. Even if he DID collude with Russia during the 2016 election, he was doing it for the good of our nation — because nothing could be better for America than ensuring that Trump won and became our President! Everything he does is designed to put America first, and sometimes that means breaking a few eggs, amiright?
The Haters are going to hate. Don’t try to “live and let live” with these people; they need to be told just how wrong they are, on so many things. It’s your job — no, your patriotic duty — to dig in your heels and defend our President with everything you’ve got. If you see someone attack Donald Trump and you don’t feel the need to jump to his defense…
Just go live in Canada, already.
Even if Donald Trump were to take a dump and wipe his rear with an original copy of the Declaration of Independence, you have to defend him. Because we all know there’s no way it could be his fault. The guilt would lay with the Fake Media, who conspired to switch out the President’s toilet paper just to make him look bad. I mean, obviously.
3. Don’t hold anything back.
GOP Fashion:
FUCK OFF, WE’RE FULL t-shirt. pic.twitter.com/Dn1xSsviju— Matt Taibbi (@mtaibbi) October 8, 2016
Whether online or in person, you fly your Trump flag as high and proud as you can. That means any opinion you have, you are free to express as loudly and as often as you like. In fact, it’s an obligation.
There are certain topics and opinions that snowflakes feel are too “insensitive” or “inappropriate” to say out loud. But President Trump has opened the door to expressing yourself about these ideas with blissful abandon. He tells it like it is, and we can do the same.
Wear your #MAGA hat at all times, whether grocery shopping or attending a funeral. It’s part of your identity, so you have nothing to be ashamed of. If you want to fly a Confederate flag in the back window if your pickup truck, do it. If you want to insult people who don’t agree with your values, you be as insulting as you like. Post all the so-called “xenophobic” or pro-gun memes you want. Go nuts!
Whatever you’re feeling, just say it, wear it, post it, BE it. It’s your authentic self, so who cares if it offends somebody. Does Donald Trump worry about hurting people’s feelings? They’ll get over it! Womp-womp!
4. Settle for nothing less than absolute obedience to Donald Trump.
Haters and Losers may refer to this as “Authoritarian Personality Syndrome,” or the belief in the absolute authority of those in power, even at the expense of personal freedoms. Nonsense! THEY will tell you that WE are like this because our support for Donald Trump never wavers, regardless of whatever Fake News THEY try to stir up.
The truth is that we simply know how the world works. The way to get ahead is to align yourself with winners. Our allegiance is to Trump at all costs because he’s one of the greatest winners of all time. I mean, have you SEEN the size of his bank account? Well, technically no one has, but we know it’s huge because he says it is.
THEY might criticize us for not giving Obama the same reverence and submission to authority when he was president. How could we? Trump despised him, so we do, too. What a Loser that guy was.
5. Adopt a mob mentality.
Reason and logic are overrated. From now on, you will make all of your decisions using only your emotions. Don’t think, FEEL! And whatever other Trump supporters around you are feeling, you feel that too. Mob mentality got Donald Trump elected, after all, and it’s the fuel that keeps him getting out of bed in the morning.
What does this mean? It means it’s your job to stir up tensions on hot button issues as much as possible. Immigration, abortion, guns, the environment, trade, foreign relations, and so forth — anything that people disagree about passionately, you get in there and push those buttons as hard and as often as you can.
See everything around you as a conspiracy. The world is out to get you, and it’s REALLY out to get Donald Trump. Everyone, everywhere is a potential enemy of the Trump Administration, so have your knee ready to jerk so you can think the worst of people at the slightest provocation.
Don’t know where to start? Look for people’s prejudices and provoke the crap out of them. Speaking of which…
6. Embrace your inner racist — and don’t apologize for it!
This may sound kind of harsh, but it’s true: be afraid of everyone who’s different than you. Different skin color? Criminal. Different nationality? Wants to steal everything you own. Different religion? Will try to take your freedoms away. Different orientation? Destroying family values.
Whoever or whatever they are, they are NOT LIKE YOU! They don’t hold to your convictions, traditions, or religious beliefs. Be AFRAID!
These people want to CHANGE you. They want to change the United States of America and everything that makes it great! These foreigners and Muslims and gays want to turn our God-given democracy into communism. They want to destroy our traditions. They’re always looking for a handout, expecting YOU to pay THEIR expenses. Just because immigrants are running away from countries where violent gangs will rip their families and their lives apart, why is that your problem to fix? You have enough problems of your own, thank you very much!
What do they think this country is? Some kind of bastion of freedom? Do they think we were founded on Christian principles like feeding for the poor and caring for victims of crime and abuse? Just shows their ignorance of history.
The Left, aka the American Communists, and the Fake News Media will try to make you feel guilty for feeling this way. Don’t listen to them. They WANT you to change, to “LEARN from other people and other cultures” and “grow together in harmony” or some such. That’s never going to happen. You have every right to harbor all the fears and biases you want, and you can express those feelings openly and freely. It’s in the Constitution!
The next time you hear about a racially-motivated hate crime… Well, good citizens don’t break the law, so don’t celebrate it or anything. But you can do what Donald Trump does when he hears about violence committed in the name of racial superiority: look the other way.
7. Buy as many guns as you can.
Owning firearms is not just an American right, it’s a moral responsibility of all Trump supporters. What if the Democrats someday succeed in impeaching the President and he’s booted out of office? What if they take over the government and march straight to your house to take your guns away? Where will your personal safety be then?!
What’s that? Other nations around the world are safe and secure without a citizen’s right to bear arms? Naive fools, all of them. What happens in the case of a coup d’etat, when their military is decimated? Who will rise up and resist the oppressors? You think the cats and dogs of America will claw and scratch your enemies to death to give you back your freedom?
You’ve got to be ready to do jump into action at a moment’s notice, man. What if a Terminator comes from the future for you and yours? What are you going to do THEN??
You go buy yourself as many firearms as you can afford. In fact, take out a loan or two to get some extras. And be sure to join the NRA. It’s like… gun church. (Did you know they have their own TV network now? It’s even better than Fox News!)
What do you mean, “but guns are only good for killing”? A gun may be a highly effective and powerful device designed for the one specific purpose of extinguishing life… But come on, it’s just a TOOL. No different than a tape measure.
It’s PEOPLE that kill. A gun in and of itself is no more dangerous than a paperweight. In fact, a gun makes a great paperweight. Leaving it out on your coffee table sends a clear message to anyone and everyone.
And that message is: Touch my freedoms and I’ll END YOUR LIFE.
8. Reject the cult of so-called “climate change.”
Look, everybody knows climate change is a hoax designed by China (or Canada, or maybe one of those shithole countries to the south). They’re trying to create boutique industries around crap like “clean energy” or whatever so they can cheat the American people out of their hard-earned money and their time-tested, get-your-hands-dirty REAL jobs like coal mining or oil refining.
There’s no such thing as global warming. Frankly, anyone who believes in it has been brainwashed. People like that have no idea how ridiculous they sound spouting this nonsense, because they’re so deeply embedded in this cult. How do we know it’s all a big fake? Because Donald Trump says it is!
So what if people around the world are experiencing record high temperatures, which have been shown to be steadily rising over time? Those records have only been kept for what, the last century or so? Who knows what weather was like before that, or what it will be like a century from now. And guess what: we’ll all be dead by then, so it’s not our problem, anyway.
So what if science has so-called irrefutable evidence? Scientists lie almost as much as the Fake Media.
Even if there is some teeny-tiny sliver of truth to the whole “climate change” thing… Big deal! We’re the lords of the earth, man. If we want to destroy the environment in order to sustain our luxuries, then that’s our God-given right. This planet exists to support life, so if the things we use to make our lives easier do a little damage here and there or cause some obscure species of animal to go extinct… That’s the environment’s problem. It’ll adapt!
Don’t worry about the world your descendants will inherit, just worry about yourself in the here and now. Don’t forget, looking out for Number One is a key tenet of Trumpism.
9. Accept that greed is good.
As a famous movie character once said, it’s okay to be greedy. In fact, it’s not a bad thing at all — it’s right and proper. We all should suck every last drop of blood, sweat, tears, and money that we can out of this world. Don’t feel guilty about this. Wanting to have MORE is always good!
This is one of the ideas that got Trump elected, after all. He appealed to us because he was rich and successful, and he said he would make the rest of us prosperous, too. Putting America first means putting Capitalism first, it means helping the little guy get ahead, and it means increasing America’s overall net worth. If that means the rest of the world gets poorer while we get richer… Meh. Not our problem.
Life is hard. It outright sucks most of the time. Aren’t you tired of being taken advantage of by the whole dang world? Aren’t you sick of seeing the 1% fat cats living large off of your years of hard work? Thank God Donald Trump has hired a Cabinet and staff full of obscenely rich people — whose status as part of the 1% is totally coincidental — to fix the financial problems of us little people. What could probably go wrong?
Believe in your heart and it will come true: “Donald Trump is rich and successful, and he will make me rich and successful, too.”
10. Get your news only from Fox, The Blaze, or Drudge Report.
The Fake Media is real, and it exists purely to spread lies. Its agenda is crystal clear, and that agenda is to undermine the Trump Administration by any means possible. They spend millions of dollars toward this goal, hold countless staff meetings for hours on end where strategies are determined for how to spread their hate-filled message using just the right tone, and then they put these fake fake FAKE ideas in front of your eyeballs.
You can’t avoid the news completely from all the other media outlets out there. It’s everywhere you look. But you have to install a mental filter for those times when you can’t ignore it. Discerning the real from the fake is super easy. There’s only one rule: if Donald Trump hates them, they’re fake.
With a little practice, you’ll be able to see the Fake Media for what it is without even having to think about it. It’s an easy bit of mental reprogramming. As soon as you see a Fake News source, tell yourself it’s fake. USA Today? Liberal propaganda. The New York Times? Democratic mouthpiece. CNN? Satan incarnate. See how easy it is?
Context is everything, and if it comes from the Fake Media, then the context is that every word they say is a LIE. We don’t really understand why they lie so much. You’d think it would be too expensive, too logistically difficult, too soul-draining to lie nonstop, 24/7. But no. These vile, vindictive people want to literally poison your mind and destroy your freedoms. All of them!
REAL journalism comes from Fox News, The Blaze, Drudge Report, and a handful of other ultra-conservative news agencies. They tell the whole truth and nothing but. They have Trump’s complete confidence, so you can trust them.
Incidentally, you should never, ever miss an episode of Sean Hannity. Everything he says is to be taken as factual. Even doctrinal. Seriously, his words are right up there with the Bible.
Did we leave anything out? Are there any other defining traits of Trump supporters? Let us know in the comments below!
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