World Geography: Trump Edition

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“After I had won, everybody was calling me from all over the world. I never knew we had so many countries.”

That’s Donald Trump, President of the United States, admitting that in all his 70 years prior to taking the highest office in the land, he had no idea there were so many countries.

In the world.

Our world. The one we all live in.

It’s the tip of the iceberg, people. If you want an eye-opening — and horrifying — look at the state of our President’s grasp on Planet Earth, take a trip with me around Donald Trump’s world.

Africa

Nambia

Let’s start in Africa, one of the Donald’s least favorite parts of the world.

You know this first one, because it was skewered by the media for days. In September of 2017, our very stable genius of a President addressed the United Nations, during which he referenced an African nation that does not exist.

He did this not once, but twice.

“Nambia’s health system is increasingly self-sufficient,” he said to a crowd that was embarrassingly filled with leaders from numerous African nations.

Was he referring to Namibia? Gambia? Zambia? A White House spokesperson later claimed that he meant to say Namibia. But we think Nambia is a combination of the three that lives only in the President’s mind.

Doesn’t really matter. They’re all “sh*thole countries” in his opinion, so he might as well label them with whatever sh*t spills out of his hole next.

TanZAYnia

Back in October of 2017, Trump once again displayed his ignorance of Africa when he referred to the nation of Tanzania — properly pronounced TAN-zuh-NEE-uh — as Tan-ZAY-nee-uh.

Was he thinking about Tasmania, the island nation just south of Australia? Or does that country not exist in Trump’s world?

Europe

Paris, Germany

In a tweet from January of 2016, then-private citizen Donald Trump made typically alarmist comments about an incident that took place at a police station in Paris. His tweet suggested that Paris is, despite what you learned in school, located in Germany.

For the record:

  1. Paris is the capitol of France.
  2. The capitol of Germany is Berlin. Germany was in no way involved in this incident.
  3. The only “man shot” was the deranged attacker, who entered the station and threatened the officers there. After he’d been shot and killed for not standing down, it was discovered that his “bomb” was a fake.
  4. Donald Trump is, to this day, completely oblivious to numbers 1-3.

The City of Belgium

Trump told a crowd of supporters at an Atlanta rally in June 2016 that “Belgium is a beautiful city.”

No, Donald. Belgium is a beautiful COUNTRY. Brussells, Belgium’s capitol, is a beautiful city.

Sure, it was probably just a slip of the tongue. And when you ramble incoherently as much as he does at his rallies, things are bound to get mixed up.

But you don’t know FOR SURE that it was a mistake, do you? It’s not like Donald Trump lacking grade school-level knowledge is a hard thing to imagine.

Asia

Rusher

“No collusion!” has become one of the President’s favorite Twitter catchphrases. He doth protest too much the allegations that his election campaign worked with “Rusher,” which we THINK is the European/Asian nation led by Dictator President Vladimir Putin.

Whether there was collusion or not is for someone else to decide. (Robert Mueller, namely.) But one thing is certain: Trump can’t pronounce the name of the United States’ greatest rival. He can spell it correctly (on Twitter, of course — the only place he ever writes anything down), so points for that.

But like everything else that comes out of his mouth, it’s a hot mess out loud.

Korea’s Chinese History

In April of 2017, Trump told the Wall Street Journal that President Xi Jinping relayed to him a lengthy story — which he all but admitted to nodding off during — in which Xi supposedly taught him about Chinese history and how Korea used to be part of China.

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Deep breaths, everyone. We’ll get through this together.

A detailed explanation is available here, but suffice it to say, at no point in their history have North OR South Korea ever been part of China. Whether or not President Xi actually asserted this is open to interpretation since the conversation was private and unrecorded (as far as we know), and conducted entirely through translators.

In all fairness, it wouldn’t be hard for words or meanings to be mistaken under such circumstances. Naturally, Trump did what anyone would do when presented with unclear information: he fact-checked the data to ensure it’s accuracy before spreading it.

Just kidding. He totally said it on record as if it was true. Another brilliant mouth-fart from the mind of Donald J. Trump.

The Middle-East

Jeroozim

December 2017: Trump makes an address to the nation where he announces that the United States will formally recognize Jerusalem as the capitol of Israel, not Tel Aviv. This short-sighted, incendiary action is a topic for another day.

The thing is, he can’t pronounce Jerusalem. At all. It comes out as something like “Jeroozim.” The Daily Show spelled it “Jaroozum.” Either way, it embarrasses the United States in front of the rest of the world.

Where’s Israel?

Israel is located right in the heart of the Middle East. You could arguably say that it is more synonymous with the Middle East than any other nation on Earth.

Donald Trump does not know that Israel is in the Middle East. In May of 2017, he met with Israeli leaders IN ISRAEL and told them that he’d “just got back from the Middle East.”

So where do you suppose Israel is in Trump’s world? I’m thinking probably Europe. He likes Israel and he likes Europe, so surely they must go together.

The United Shtates

Whether it’s his New England accent or just his own unique way of speaking, the President has a very particular way of talking about many of the states that are currently under his leadership.

Nevada

The first one, to be fair, is a subject of much debate for many, many people: How do you say Nevada? Depending on who you ask, the center syllable, “va,” rhymes with either the “a” in “apple,” or the “o” in “stop.”

Nevadans are adamant that it’s the first one. That didn’t stop Trump from schooling a crowd of supporters in Reno — at length — that it is properly said to rhyme with the a in apple. “When I came out here, I said, ‘Nobody says it the other way,'” he told his cultists. Of course they simply laughed it off and voted for him anyway.

He could’ve declared himself the Pope of Whoopeetown and showered attendees with pepper spray via the sprinkler system, and they still would have voted for him.

Utar

How about the great state of Utar? You might know it better as Utah, but Donny has a surprising number of names for it — and ain’t none of ’em legit.

Missouria

How about the time he told a crowd in St. Louis that “it’s great to be back in Missouria.”

Puerto Rico

After Hurricane Maria, Trump traveled to Puerto Rico to check in on relief efforts (you remember — this was the trip where he hurled paper towel rolls at disaster victims like a rock star flinging t-shirts). When he returned to Washington, he gave a speech during which he explained just why getting relief to Puerto Rico is, like, all hard and stuff.

“This is an island, surrounded by water. Big water. Ocean water. Tremendous water, the best water you’ve ever seen.”

Okay, I added the last sentence. But the rest is real.

Apparently, the fact that Puerto Rico is surrounded by water was news to the President.

For the record, Puerto Rico is not located in the middle of the Atlantic or any other ocean. It’s in the northern part of the Caribbean Sea.

I’m sure there are many more of these, but you get the gist. The leader of our nation — and the freaking free world — knows nothing about Africa, doesn’t say the names of world countries properly, thinks Israel is not in the Middle East, and can’t pronounce several of the States he leads.

God help the United Shtates.

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Author: Warren Michaels

Stupidity should be called by name, especially when it’s stupid people in power. You could say that’s my life’s mission, but I’d like to think I’m a broader guy than that.


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