That’s A True Patriot: MURICA Man Urinates on Flight Passenger, Arrested for Expressing His FREEDOMS

Photo by Business Insider

If you read the news in the United States, you likely know the story of Florida Man. This quixotic, insane, and anonymous simulacrum of a Florida-based human commits crimes while hosted inside the bodies of various Floridians. And since Florida Man often makes the news for his wild stunts and incomprehensible endeavors, citizens have gradually grown a sense of sympathy for him. Importantly, Florida Man is not violent or dangerous towards humans. He’s more likely to rob a bank, strip naked, and runs down the street throwing stolen money everywhere or cause a hundred grand in damage to a Walmart liquor store with a hot-wired forklift. That kind of thing. Destructive, sure, but Florida Man always puts a little English on his criminal rampages.

Now, so too does MURICA Man. He is the Florida Man of international news, the wild and crazy hillbilly on the world stage. Unfortunately, he’s not as amusing as Florida Man. In fact, he’s a fairly vile. MURICA Man barges into conventions drunk and shouts movie dialog. MURICA Man gets in a fight with cops that won’t let him carry all ten of his handguns in Venice. MURICA Man drinks too much at Oktoberfest and destroys several distilleries. He’s not quite as fun as Florida Man, mostly because he’s a rude prick. But he occupies the same journalistic niche as Florida Man, but promoted to world news.

MURICA Man has struck again, this time on on a Japanese airliner during a trans-Pacific flight to Tokyo. In a feat of gymnastic derring-do, he managed to urinate on a Japanese traveler two rows behind him, perhaps while still seated. Details remain vague, but a forensic reconstruction of the scene shows that MURICA Man yelled “Kobe!” as the stream of urine hit the Japanese man’s face.

Let’s say a little something about Japanese Man before we proceed. Japanese Man (the archetype, not the human) could be imagined as the complete opposite of MURICA Man. In every way you can envision, Japanese Man is entirely different. He is polite, quite, shy, and keeps to himself. He takes public transit, requires no personal space, and detests public litter. If MURICA Man sprawls over a loveseat, Japanese Man sits bolt upright with his knees together, his hands folded, and his head bowed. While Japanese Man might find the sight of anime boobies titillating, he would never, say, masturbate to them on a Greyhound bus like MURICA Man would. It was in this context that the clash of cultures between brash MURICA Man and retiring Japanese Man took place.

While it took two flight attendants to stop MURICA Man’s stream of Freedom Urine, little is known about what Japanese Man did next. Based on our extensive research, we suspect that he removed his glasses, lightly mopped his brow, then remained perfectly still for the rest of the flight until deplaning, at which point he bowed to the pilot and squished away, pee-soaked shoes squeaking into the distance, where he was never heard from again.

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Alex Fox


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