Supreme Court Is Sick of All These Gay Cases, Thank You Very Much

The Supreme Court has had just about enough of all this gayness, thank you very much. It’s 2018, and everyone is gay. And sure, they’re cool with that. Love who you love, right? But do you have to make them hear cases about it all the time?

First it’s gays wanting equal rights under the law. And sure, that’s reasonable. It’s not like gay people are somehow subhuman. I mean, we used to think so, back in the tawdry days of the early 20th century. But we’re a more enlightened people now. We know not to discriminate based on someone’s partner. That’s just rude.


But then it was the gay cake baking fiasco. And look, everyone loves cake. But couldn’t that couple just go to another baker? Was it really so important that they get their cake from like the one bakery that didn’t want to make it. Sure, we understand that they were trying to make a point. Injustice for one is injustice for all, good men must stand up against evil, ecetera ecetera. But they’re the Supreme Court, dammit. They’re busy with other stuff!

And they have to keep the docket relatively clear for the certain influx of Trump-fueled insanity. There’s definitely gonna be cases about pardoning yourself, about Russian meddling, about the Justice Department’s ability to run an investigation independently, and it’s going to be pure madness. Now is not really the time to be worrying about getting a cake from that one baker that doesn’t want to make it. Especially because if you force someone to make a cake it’s definitely not going to be a very good one. I mean, if you made me bake a cake at gunpoint it would be disgusting. And I’d definitely spit it in or something. Do you want spit cake for your nuptials? I wouldn’t.

So they’re done with all the gayness for now. Sure, pride month just passed. And that’s cool. But the Supreme Court isn’t the kind of institution that adopts a rainbow colored logo on social media for a month to make sure that the gays know they care. They’re above that kind of thing. I’m not even sure they have a meaningful social media presence. If they do, it’s probably just like one selfie a month and apologies for not posting more. And then like a casual retweet of someone’s bad joke. They don’t really know how the internet works guys, they’re collectively 812 years old.

So it you could all cool it with the gayness, I think they would really appreciate it. It’s not that they have a problem with gay people, of course. They just don’t want their entire institution to become the Gay Police. Smacking down homophobes is fun once in a while, but you don’t want to make a full time job out of it. That would just be tiresome. So let them do their boring constitutional cases that they love so much. That’s the stuff they live for, for some reason. We can all talk about how great gays are amongst ourselves and let the old men and women of the court do their own thing.

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