How Trump Plans To Spend His Time In Prison

Attorney General William Barr may have released a letter informing us that Robert Mueller didn’t find enough proof during his investigation to convict President Donald Trump of collusion, but that doesn’t mean Trump has successfully evaded prison time. Not only did the letter specifically state that Trump hasn’t been exonerated of his crimes, but it’s just a matter of time before the full report is released and we learn the details of the investigation. As we all impatiently await the release of Mueller’s report, Trump is likely preparing for the worst by planning out how he’ll spend his time in prison. Here’s how Trump will likely spend him time behind bars:

Learning To Read

Trump is looking at a few decades behind bars, so what better way to spend that time than learning how to read? Since most inmates pass the time with books, he’ll be able to improve his skills in no time. It’s either that or he’ll have to make friends, and we all know that no one spends time around that man unless they’re on his payroll. Trump might have to request some books designed for lower reading levels at first, but after all those hours of practice, he’ll be reading at a sixth or seventh grade level in no time! As they say, it’s better late than never!

Sending Love Letters

Keeping up with your correspondence is a great way to pass the time in prison. For Trump, this means keeping in touch with his favorite dictators Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-Un. It may take him a year or two to realize that neither of them will be responding to his love letters as without his position as president, he’s no longer an asset to them. In the meantime, he might send letters to the former Playboy playmates he took to bed, to his divorce lawyer, his children doing time in other facilities, and to Kanye West.

Writing A Sequel To “The Art Of The Deal”

One book on business advice from a criminal’s point of view isn’t enough, which is why Trump will get to write a sequel to “The Art Of The Deal” from prison. Of course, it will be heavily composed by a ghostwriter and Trump’s contribution will be little more than a few illegible notes written on squares of prison quality toilet paper and having his name included in the byline, but it’s bound to make millions. It’ll inspire the honest businessmen and women on Trump’s bandwagon to turn corrupt and reassure those who are already corrupt that they’re going down the right path in life.

Designing His MAGA Prison Collection

From Christmas ornaments to bathing suits, Trump’s MAGA collection has significantly grown since his campaign turned into a presidential election. A stint in the big house will give his gear a new edge, as well as supply him with something to do with his time behind bars. Trump will design new prison-themed MAGA gear such as red jumpsuits, “Inmates for Trump” buttons, and t-shirts with his mugshot on it. There’s nothing wrong with making money off of a sad situation.

Managing His Twitter

The scariest part of Trump’s prison sentence (for him) will be his lack of access to social media. To get around this, he will have an assistant on the outside who manages his Twitter page on his behalf. And since Trump would never give up control of what content is posted, he will have to handwrite and mail in all of his tweets to his assistant. Maybe he’ll even doodle a little box and the Twitter bird around the text. Even if Trump’s assistant prints out all of the responses to his posts and any tweets he’s tagged in, by the time his responses are published they’ll likely be irrelevant.