Spare A Thought For Robert Mueller and All The Terrible Tweets He Must Read

It hasn’t been easy to be Robert Mueller for the past several months. After enduring absolutely pathetic attempts at character assassination by the most juvenile leader since a twelve-year-old ran Rome, Mueller must go home to rest on his enormous balls, knowing that he’s serving the greater cause of justice and democracy. In fact, at this point, his investigation must be absolutely lapping the Trump coterie’s hilariously ineffective efforts to both execute and cover up a massive criminal conspiracy.

But don’t forget: poor Mueller is one of the unlucky people forced to read absolutely all of the President’s tweets. This is a horrific duty he shares only with journalists and the Donald Trump fan club of disaffected white losers with power fantasies of finally stealing Veronica away from her boyfriend Chad. “CoLLuSioN isN’t eVeN iN thE CriMe DicTIoNaRy,” he tweets, ending with “cOnfLIcTeD dEmOCraT!” while Mueller simply shakes his jowls.

Mark that tweet exhibit #5,462

You might think that, ever since Trump started tweeting legitimately self-incriminating free-wheeling whinging, Robert Mueller must be having an easy time of things. After all, what must be the ultimate goal of the investigation has basically broken down under the intense pressure of being mildly scrutinized by someone that isn’t there to massage his undercarriage. Mueller didn’t even get to do a hard-boiled police interrogation! And you can just forget about the bone saw and ice pick he was hoping to use later. So instead, Mueller is reduced to blandly thumbing through banal updates on the gormless President’s thoughts, periodically punctuated with persecution fantasies and panicked admissions of guilt.

Like a true narcissist, Trump has begun to confess to his crimes only when absolutely forced to do so, and then only to insist that, even if he did all these terrible nasty things, it was only because we deserve it. We practically forced him to enlist the help of an adversarial foreign power to illegally and unethically tilt the result of an election—a woman might have been elected otherwise! Yes, like a zombie gurgling “her emails!” as he drags along his oozing stump, Trump has insisted on resurrecting the corpse of his long-defeated opponent, if only so he can repeatedly flog it with increasingly manic glee. “It worked so well last time,” he must be thinking, “surely it will work again!”

And really, who can blame him: after the 2016 election, perhaps we really do deserve this kind of treatment, senpai. Like an abused spouse, we hide the bruises under our makeup and tell our friends that we basically made him hit us by having the temerity to elect a black man.

It’s boring when you win so easily

Imagine knowing that, no matter what the President tweets or tries, you’re likely to be able to convincingly accuse him of serious crimes. If Mueller has realized the absolute cheesecake of an investigation he’s scared up, he’ll be moving quietly just to avoid shaking the shrubbery and scaring away all the pigeons. Because surely he must realize that he only need corner Donald Trump in a mildly hot room and tell him that he didn’t even have the money to get Russian foreign agents with nefarious objectives to talk to him, much less successfully conspire to defraud America, and Trump will burst out of the room roaring about how wrong you are because he totally got Vladimir Putin to sign his buttcheeks.

If Mueller wanted to, he could likely barge right into the final boss now. Yes, Mueller has been thrown a delicious meatball of a pitch, which he can gleefully clobber directly over an outfield fence with “indictments” written on it in sparkingly disco lights. But in order to collect all the crimes he can, he needs to proceed rigorously.

“The Apprentice” strategy won’t work here

Trump trying to end the investigation is even less likely to be successful. After all, you can imagine that kind of move going over about as well as a cackle at a funeral. Even Republicans would have to resignedly marshall up the single vertebrae of a backbone required to stand up to a President doing clearly illegal things in public. It’s one thing to admit to previous crimes while in office, but it’s a totally different thing to commit them in public with all the remorse and self-awareness of a schoolboy eating extra sweets while the babysitter is in charge. Even the musty grandpas of the Senate would have to shake their heads and tut at such gauche misbehavior. After all, the Senators know to hide their crimes behind a veneer of respectability and plausible deniability. You wouldn’t catch them dead tweeting about their own crimes! That’s for the media to do!

Not to mention that ending the investigation via dictatorial fiat would spell the end of claiming you did nothing wrong. After all, what lunatic would, at great political cost, abruptly terminate an investigation that would ultimately prove his innocence? In fact, why would you even bother to attempt to impede and criticize the investigation so thoroughly if you knew you never did anything wrong? Wait a second lads, I think Trump might have done something slightly shifty after all!

So really, what is there left for Mueller to do but lick his finger and page through the President’s effluence blithely? He must be unspeakably bored. But you wouldn’t know it from his Great Dane jowls, hanging heavy with saddened dignity, and a serious face he stole from Jason Statham. The poor fella is jammed in some hot office, paging through Donald Trump’s desperate attempts to appeal to popular celebrities that wouldn’t be caught dead with him at a charity buffet and staring longly out the window of conspiracy charges anon. The day is coming, surely. But for now, I suppose we’ll have to wait.

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