When the secret service first heard that the Trumps were going to be under their watch, it’s safe to say they had some fun coming up with some potential code names. Some, perhaps, more suitable than the actual names they chose for themselves. If only Donald and Melania and the rest of the Trumps had chosen code names that slightly resemble their true selves rather than their characters in Bizarro World, perhaps then I wouldn’t feel the need to knock them down a notch or two. However many notches it takes to drag them out of the distorted version of reality they seem to be living in.
If you haven’t heard, Trump chose the code name “Mogul” which was picked supposedly as a tribute to his real estate empire. Coincidentally, Mogul is another word for a Lord or King. Traditionally, a family is to select code names all starting with the same letter, so Melania decided to go with “Muse” in honor of her career as a model. Because we all know how inspiring her nude photos must have been, and continue to be, to all prepubescent boys. The Trumps sure do think highly of themselves! Oh, but it doesn’t stop there.
Ivanka’s code name is said to be “Marvel” as she thinks she’s such a wonder to us all. Either that or she’s a fan of Marvel Comics in which case she might actually be the coolest Trump. That doesn’t say much though. Trump’s sons, Dumb and Dumber or Donald Jr. and Eric, however you like to refer to them, chose equally ridiculous code names but at least they’re relatively suitable. Donald Jr. chose “Mountaineer” even though he lives in New York City, or at least that’s where his divorce papers were filed. Eric decided to go with “Marksman” as a tribute to all of the endangered safari animals he has killed over the years. How sweet.
These code names are okay, but here are the names the Trumps deserve:
Trump’s Rejected Secret Service Code Names
The president may have chosen “Mogul” as his secret service code name, but we all know that they must call him something else behind his back. Perhaps it’s one of these rejected names:
- Agent Orange – on account of his skin being so orange
- Baby Hands – on account of his tiny hands
- Cheeto Benito – on account of his resemblance to a Cheeto
- Bratman – on account of him being a child in a man’s body
- Adolf Twitler – on account of his Hitler-like statements and overuse of Twitter
- Hair Furor – on account of his hair being as awful as his leadership skills
- Serial Feeler – on account of his sexual assault record
- Yuge Ego – on account of his overuse of the word “huge”
- Littlefinger – on account of his tiny hands reminding me of a certain Game of Thrones character
- Great Gutsby – on account of his growing belly
- Rocket Man – on account of his desire to press that nuke button and his cute nickname for Kim Jong-Un
- Forest Plump – on account of his plump rear
Melania’s Rejected Secret Service Code Names
Melania might think she’s some kind of muse, but the country views her quite differently. These are some of the more suitable secret service code names that may or may not have been rejected:
- Ice Queen – on account of her death stare
- Trophy Wife – on account of her role in her marriage
- Michelle Obama – on account of her stealing everything else from the woman anyway
- Black Widow – on account of her goals for the future
- Third Lady – on account of Trump’s first two wives
- Pussy-Bow – on account of her wearing one as a low-key dig at her husband’s crude use of the word
- Melania Grump – on account of her less than appealing personality
- ICE-Y – on account of her cold disposition and support for ICE
- Melania Egomania – on account of her marriage to Trump’s ego
Ivanka’s Rejected Secret Service Code Names
Ivanka has managed to weasel her way into the White House, which is a marvel all on its own, but her secret service code name simply doesn’t suit her. These are a few names that better describe who she is:
- Daddy’s Girl – on account of her weird relationship with her father
- Princess Royal – on account of her princess behavior has earned her this nickname around the White House
- Orange Aide – on account of her unpaid job as one of her father’s presidential advisors
- Dragon Queen – on account of her incestuous-like relationship with her father
- Ivanka Dump – on account of her clothing line being dropped from stores
Donald Jr.’s And Eric’s Rejected Secret Service Code Names
These two couldn’t be a more ridiculous duo, and they certainly don’t deserve anything other than these code names below:
- Beavis and Butthead – on account of the obvious resemblance
- Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam – on account of the two of them being so trigger happy
- Diaper Don and The Cold One – on account of Don Jr. peeing the bed in college and Eric being a vampire
- Ren and Stimpy – on account of them both being ‘”Eediots!”
- Uday and Qusay – on account of their nicknames created by insiders that were inspired by Saddam Hussein’s sons
- Donny Douchebag and Short Bus – on account of this being what Bill Maher calls the duo
- Cher and Dionne – on account of them both being Clueless
Tiffany’s Rejected Secret Service Code Names
Trump has another daughter? Yep! Tiffany is the result of his marriage to Marla Maples, and while we don’t know her true secret service code name, these rejected ones will do:
- Forgotten Child – on account of her being MIA throughout the entire campaign
- The Other One – on account of her role as the other daughter in the family
- Who? – on account of the fact that most of the country has no idea she exists
- Arya Stark – on account of the fact that she mise well be a boy in her father’s eyes
- Jan Brady – on account of Ivanka being the clear Marcia in the family
Obviously, these code names are better than what the Trumps chose for themselves, but it’s unlikely that any members of the secret service will be hearing these over their earpieces anytime soon. If you have your own potentially rejected code name or nickname for any of the Trumps share in the comments below!
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