Maybe it’s coincidence, or perhaps a tragic irony of the times, that an English major manages the local 24-hour Fitness. And maybe it’s just speculation, but whoever wrote this epic response to a gym membership cancellation has surely studied Dante.
The email exchange was posted on reddit’s /r/funny yesterday evening, with the caption “Cancelled my gym membership, did not expect the response”. The poster’s original email was rather erudite and eloquently worded for a cancellation request, stating: “It comes with heavy heart that I must expire my joint membership that was gloriously bestowed upon myself and my dearest Lisa.”
“The summer grows long and demanding,” it continues, “and I regret obliges us to not be in regular attendance to your magnificent halls. Effective today, please wish the wondrous staff my warmest regards at the present termination. Come winter, it is our deepest hope of lessen responsibilities that allow for a rejoiceful return.”
Let’s be fair: most emails the gym receives probably read “i wud liek 2 cncl my gym plz”. Barring the long-winded blathering and questionable word choice of “rejoiceful”, it is a remarkably well-written little email. But it’s out-shined by the gym’s beautifully succinct, poetic response:
“Baron now these wondrous halls
Wherein thou took thy whips and falls
With hopeful spirits we sit waiting
The chilly sign of Fall abating
Effective as of August first
(For July we can not reimburse)
Return to us, Lisa and Jake!
We long to hear thou holler ‘TAKE!'”
In case you’re confused about the last line, reddit user felixfelix explains:
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