Oh, Dad, you never fail to see the funniest sides of the family. It’s amazing how you always manage to see it in everyday situations and share it with the rest of the world, just like this one dad has done every single day of the year. With n online handle like Exploding Unicorn, how can that not be awesome?
Dad has indeed mastered the fine art of subtlety, …
Me: *rubs my nose on the baby’s head*
Wife: Aw, you’re nuzzling her.
Me: Yes. I definitely didn’t just have a nose itch.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2016
… diplomacy, …
[3-year-old rides her bike]
Me: I taught her everything she needs to know
Wife: Braking?
Me: I taught her half of what she needs to know.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2016
… and accepting the inevitable.
Me: We’ve taken 1,000 pics. We’re never going to get all 4 kids smiling at once.
Wife: Fine. Just pick the best one pic.twitter.com/E7jDR5uGIm
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2016
He knows what’s what in his own household.
Me: Where did the grapes go?
Toddler: *sits there innocently with suspiciously chubby cheeks*
Me: For the last time, you’re not a hamster.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2016
and knows a good thing when he sees it.
Toddler: *spills an entire bowl of popcorn and then eats it off the floor*
5-year-old: Stop it!
Me: Let her go. I don’t want to vacuum.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2016
Tesla might have something like this in the works.
3-year-old: Our house isn’t very fast.
Me: It’s a house. It doesn’t move at all.
3: We should get a faster one.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 16, 2016
Where did she get that sass from?
3-year-old daughter: A boy at daycare said he likes me.
Me: Do you like him back?
3: He colors outside the lines. He needs to grow up.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 15, 2016
Among other things.
Me: Time for breakfast.
5-year-old: Wow, Dad, you didn’t burn it as much as usual.
Her current passive aggressiveness level is wife.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 15, 2016
He and his wife may have raised his kids to be a little too smart.
Me: You forgot to brush your teeth. They’re going to fall out.
5-year-old: That’s the point.
That tooth fairy story backfired.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 14, 2016
with very interesting role model choices.
Me: You can’t like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.
5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.
I’m never sleeping again.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2016
and even more disconcerting pursuits.
Me: Why are you poking holes in that paper?
3-year-old: Practice.
Me: Practice for what?
3: Poking holes.
I’m glad we cleared that up.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 8, 2016
At least his kids have a keen sense of style.
Me: You understand the Dark Side is bad, right?
5-year-old: How come they get the cool masks?
Me: It’s not a fashion contest.
5: Says you
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2016
Oh Dad, you who have reached the summit of Dad-ness, teach us your ways.
TSA agent: Do you have any metal on you?
Me: Just my abs of steel.
TSA agent:
And that’s how I got on the no-fly list.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2016
0 Comments