Ted Cruz Removes Skinsuit, Reveals Lizard Body for Halloween

Ted Cruz has never worn his human skin elegantly. It looks like it’s poorly tailored, maybe by a drunk lizard man. It’s too tight in some places and too loose in other, producing an overall effect of unsettling smugness. He gives the appearance of a man with unearned confidence, unwarranted bravado, and undeserved illusions of grandiosity. If only his man face was perhaps less disturbing, surely he would have risen higher in the ranks of political power than to the mere height of “Senator.” After all, he has been trying quite hard to be president for some time. And yet, his ambitions remain perpetually frustrated and out of reach.

So, in order to correct this gross miscarriage of justice, this cataclysmic mistake of tailoring, Ted Cruz has chosen to swap out his skinsuit for a different outfit. And, because a good lizard person takes spectacle wherever they can find it, Ted has decided to swap his skin in a public ceremony on the floor of the Senate.


“But he’ll be revealing himself as an amphibian in disguise!” you might insist. On most days of the year, you’d be completely correct. But today, today is a special day: All Hallow’s Eve, the night ghost and ghouls walk among us! Who will notice one more lizard man in the throng of thousands? “It’s just a cossssstume!” Ted will rasp with his forked lizard tongue while massaging the ache out of his bipedal, scaly reptilian body. And I bet you’ll buy it, you dummies.

Of course, readers in the know will recall that this isn’t the first “deskinning ceremony” held on the Senate floor. Eagle-eyed readers who definitely have no mental illnesses whatsoever have witnessed multiple disrobing events, both in person and on camera. The fact that none of these videos survive makes it clear that the power wielded by the reptilian leaders of our society is greater than we can possibly imagine because that is the only explanation for the videos continual non-existence.

You see, at least once a year, the lizard men must remove their skinsuits for the maintenance. Over time, the suits shrink and wear at the elbows, knees, and snout, so they need to be freshly refurbished, lest the wearing’s true being start breaking through during a live television broadcast. It is this annual grotesquery to which some of our bravest correspondents have held witness. As the lizard people’s faithful servants, (((the Illuminati))), gather round, the lizard men push the button in their nose that causes the suit to loosen from the vacuum sealed state in which it is typically worn. Once the suit is more pliable, the brave servants, who are definitely all Jews, help the lizard men step out of their outfits.

Then, the skinsuits are off to the dry cleaners! Just a normal Vietnamese dry cleaner. You didn’t know that all Vietnamese dry cleaners are members of the Illuminati, did you? It’s a national heritage thing. Why do you think the United States “lost” the war in Vietnam? It was because the lizard men in charge of the United States had successfully installed their own reptilian overlords in the country’s positions of political power. Plus, the Vietnamese really know how to take care of a skinsuit. It’s not a racist stereotype if it’s a positive attribute, right guys? Like how all Asians are good at math, or how all Jews are good with money. Those stereotypes aren’t offensive at all to anyone ever!

Once the skinsuits are removed at working their way through the dry cleaner’s machinery, David Icke appears to read aloud from the book of Job. Not because they have to, it’s not a dark ritual or anything. David just really likes to read the book of Job aloud, and the lizard people have always had a soft spot for him, so they let him do it. Ever since he figured out their big conspiracy, the lizard people have thought of David as a kind of cute kid, like the little brother that always wants to play with you. It makes him feel important, you know?

Once the suits are fully cleaned, Ted Cruz and the rest of the lizard people will don them again. Hopefully, Ted’s skinsuit will finally be tailored properly so he doesn’t look like a giant tool anymore.

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