Vice President Mike Pence has gotten so involved in women’s reproductive rights over the years that those of us with ovaries are considering giving him an honorary uterus just to shut him up. Because, as we all know, women don’t get a say in their own rights. Instead, it’s left up to a bunch of old white dudes who probably compare childbirth to taking a dump the morning after Taco Tuesday. Pence has been mansplaining his way up the political chain of command by appealing to Bible-thumping, pitchfork-wielding Jesus freaks of our country, and I, for one, am sick of it. These are some of Pence’s most absurd statements about women’s reproductive rights and his pathetic explanations for why he feels he has the right to speak about such things.

Pence Predicts A Future Where Women Have No Control Over Their Own Bodies

Abortion. Such a touchy subject, but you had to know it would be addressed in this article. Pence has been out to destroy Planned Parenthood for years, even going as far as to cause an HIV epidemic in Indiana after banning clean needles for drug users and drastically cutting government funding for Planned Parenthood, forcing them to shut down. Now he predicts a future where all Planned Parenthoods are forced to close their doors, obviously learning little for his mistakes.

I truly do believe, if all of us do all that we can, that we will once again, in our time, restore the sanctity of life to the center of American law. But we have to do the work … I just know in my heart of hearts that this will be the generation that restores life in America.

In this imaginary future of his, it’s clear that women have no input in what happens to their bodies and that their lives are far less important than that of an unborn fetus. Pence was around when women were dying on kitchen tables with hangers shoved in their uteruses and rushed to hospitals after a botched abortion was performed at an underground clinic. Eliminating Planned Parenthood won’t end abortions, it will simply drive it back underground where it’s neither safe nor regulated. There would be nothing stopping women from terminating their pregnancy four, five, or even six months in. It would certainly not “restore the sanctity of life” but demonstrate just how little our country cares about the health and well-being of its women by forcing them to risk their lives for a baby they don’t want.

Pence Recognizes That Planned Parenthood Helps Women But Still Wants It Gone

For those of you who think Planned Parenthood provides no other services other than terminating unwanted pregnancies, well you’re wrong. They offer affordable prenatal care for pregnant women, cervical and breast cancer screenings, STD and HIV testing, hormonal therapy for transgender men and women, and birth control at a price that won’t break the bank. Pence knows this, yet he’s still determined to take away their government funding simply because they also provide safe abortion services. Here’s him mansplaining what Planned Parenthood ought to do and what they ought not to do:

If Planned Parenthood wants to be involved in providing counseling services and HIV testing, they ought not be in the business of providing abortions … Millions of women have been helped by Planned Parenthood. But we’re not going to allow, and we’re not going to fund, as long as you have the abortion going on at Planned Parenthood, and we understand that and I’ve said it loud and clear.

Even though Pence knows and understands that Planned Parenthood helps millions of women a year, he’s willing to shut them down because around 3 percent of the services they perform each year are abortions. He needs to look at the bigger picture here. Also, they don’t just help women. Planned Parenthood provides a number of services for men as well.

Pence Uses Disney’s Mulan To Mansplain Keeping Women Out Of The Military

I’m starting to think that Pence isn’t conservative, just sexist. In an effort to prevent women from serving in our country’s military, Pence uses a Disney kids movie to mansplain his position on the issue. Apparently using grownup analogies would have been far too much for his conservative supporters to understand, so he did this instead:

I suspect that some mischievous liberal at Disney assumes that Mulan’s story will cause a quiet change in the next generation’s attitude about women in combat and they just might be right … many young men find many young women to be attractive sexually. Many young women find many young men to be attractive sexually. Put them together, in close quarters, for long periods of time, and things will get interesting. Just like they eventually did for young Mulan. Moral of story: women in military, bad idea.

If you’re not familiar with how Mulan’s story goes, she basically disguises herself as a man in order to take her father’s place in the Chinese army and ends up falling in love with her captain. So basically, Pence wants women to be taken out of the military because they’ll be a distraction to the men. Sounds like every female’s high school experience. As long as these women who are serving our country keep their shoulders and mid-drifts covered, then there shouldn’t be an issue, right? Perhaps we should keep men out of the military since they can’t seem to control themselves around the opposite sex. Then we’ll know for sure that our country is in good hands!

Pence Mansplains Why We Shouldn’t Use Condoms

The Vice President is not only trying to take away accessible birth control and affordable STD testing, but he’s always trying to make people think that condoms don’t actually work. Clearly, this guy needs to take a sex-ed class, and soon. In response to then-Secretary of State Colin Powell’s statement where he talks about how important it is for young people to learn how to protect themselves during sex, Pence decides to mansplain how Powell’s opinion is putting the world in danger.

… frankly, condoms are a very, very poor protection against sexually transmitted diseases, and in that sense … the secretary of state may be inadvertently misleading millions of young people and endangering lives.

Hopefully, he doesn’t actually believe this load of crap and was just trying to keep people on the abstinence train. The one we all know fails miserably at keeping STD and teenage pregnancy numbers low. Maybe we should pull his medical records instead of Trump’s and see how many times he had to be tested for The Clap, which is old-man vernacular for gonorrhea.

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