Stormy Daniels has been teasing the media with a detailed description of Donald Trump’s genitalia, and the public is more afraid to hear what she has to say then he is. Her taunts have expanded to include the possibility of photos and videos that can be released to back up her claims, urging the public to prepare themselves for the chance that they’ll need to gouge out their eyes. While we know that Daniels is taunting Trump by dangling the possibility that these images will be leaked over his head, it has become somewhat of a threat to those of us with functioning eyeballs. Not only does no one want to see the president’s junk, but we also don’t want to hear about it. (Ahem, Stormy!) Unfortunately, I recently stumbled upon a quote where Daniels described Trump’s pecker in more detail than I was prepared for and now can’t get the images out of my mind.
If you’re curious but don’t want to suffer as I have, I’ve listed several items that Stormy might use to describe Trump’s nether region. However, if you’re a glutton for punishment, you can find her quote at the end of this article. Just know that you’ve been warned, and you can’t unread Stormy’s words!
A Small Mushroom
As we all know, mushrooms come in all shapes and sizes. And there’s nothing wrong with that! Some people prefer long thin mushrooms, while others prefer them on the meatier side. They can be pink or brown. Bland or flavorful. Gratifying or toxic. Variety is the spice of life! And for most of us, it’s not the size of the mushroom that counts, but what you can do with it. However, if Daniels had to pick a mushroom out of a lineup, it would be the smallest, fattest one of the bunch.
A Prickly Desktop Cactus
A cactus can be intimidating when it reaches maturity, but when they’re small enough to keep on our desk they can be kind of adorable. Their pricks can certainly get in the way sometimes though, depending on what kind of cactus you get. Some come with short, sharp pricks. Others are long and soft. Some are straight and others are curly. However, if you’re lucky, your cactus has no pricks at all! Daniels wasn’t so lucky in this case and found herself dealing with a laughable amount of dark, coarse, curly pricks to deal with, especially around the cactus’ roots. Needless to say, Daniels wasn’t satisfied and had to ditch her cactus for a neatly trimmed bonsai tree.
A Weak Baby Carrot
Like Trump, baby carrots might sound like a healthy, gratifying snack. Then you have one and realize that they’re far from satisfying and you need to find something more filling. Or in this case, someone. Coincidentally, like Trump, baby carrots are also shorter than average and only come in orange. Daniels may have gotten stuck with a baby carrot or two in the past, but it certainly hasn’t left her hungry. In fact, this particular baby carrot might just leave her with a bank account adequate enough for early retirement.
A Pair Of Furry Coconuts
Coconuts are naturally quite hairy. Once they’ve reached maturity, thick, dark hair will grow from their shell indicating that they’re ripe for devouring. After you get around the deformed, furry exterior of a pair of coconuts, you’ll be able to get a taste of that sweet nectar that’s stored inside. Those who are considerate will remove the fur from their coconuts so that they are more appealing to others, or at the very least trim it down a bit so that it’s easily accessible. Needless to say, Daniels prefers the hair on her coconuts to be maintained before she handles them.
A Cocktail Weiner In A Hat
Both can be found at cocktail parties, but you’ll only want to bring one home with you to be reheated and served the next day. That’s right, Trump is the cocktail weiner you’ll want to leave behind. The president can deny he has small hands all he wants, but if Stormy Daniels’ recollection is accurate, then the joke we’ve been telling for years can certainly be applied in this case. (You know what they say about men with small hands!) Why am I suddenly craving a hotdog?
WARNING: Stormy’s Actual Description Of Trump’s Junk
Now, this is the part where I share with you Stormy’s detailed description of Trump’s junk so if that’s not something you’re interested, for the love of god stop reading. If for whatever reason you’re still curious, then feel free to continue. Once again, you’ve been warned!
We went to the bedroom and had sex, one position, no condom (idiot). He has a slightly shorter than average c**k but it is very thick with a pronounced head, he needs to shave his ba**s (hehe).
The quote comes from an alleged email sent to a writer at TheDirty.com, which appears to be a celebrity gossip magazine. They claim they broke the story years ago and recently shared Daniels’ original email where she summed up her entire relationship with the president to prove it. Who knows how legitimate it is though.
If you haven’t vomited or cried yet from reading what Stormy said, then congratulations. You’ve got tougher skin than I do. How well will you do when photos or videos are leaked, though? My biggest fear is to be innocently scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed or browsing photos on Instagram only to stumble upon a photo or screenshot of Trump is a position I certainly don’t want to see. I’m not sure I’d be able to recover from that as easily. In fact, you may read stories about me in the newspaper that describe a young woman found walking the streets of New York aimlessly with her eyeballs ripped from their sockets, mumbling nonsensical phrases such as, “Didn’t want to see that” and “Why Stormy? Why?” I won’t be alone though. The streets will be flooded with empty eye sockets and screaming protestors demanding the images get removed from the internet before anyone else falls victim to their effects. You’ll see.
Author: Rose Burke
Freelance writer and art enthusiast, Rose Burke, often writes humorous essays inspired by awkward dating experiences and life’s cruel sense of humor. When she’s not doing that, she’s typically writing entertainment articles on women’s issues, politics, feminism, and other trending topics her readers love.
Her work has been published in The Southampton Review, The Conium Review, The Richest, The Independent, CINEMABLEND, and more. Author of the popular feminist blog series “Writings of the Satirical Feminista”, Rose is currently focusing on a collection of humorous personal essays while she travels the world.