If you’re not familiar with Saul Goodman, the shady lawyer from Breaking Bad, here’s how he’s introduced on the show.
“You don’t want a criminal lawyer… you want a CRIMINAL lawyer.”
Instead of getting dudes off for pushing meth, though, Michael Cohen helps prominent stay out of hot water. Like all of Trump’s associates, this guy is the best, the absolute tops at his job: paying off pornographic actresses. He has a very particular set of skills, just like the terrible father in Taken. If you can pay a porn star a ton of money to get rid of the problem, Cohen is on it like white on rice.
The basic parallel between Cohen and Goodman is that they’re both criminals. Goodman, of course, is a well-loved self-aware fixer who helps his clients get out of tough spots—on the show, at least. But if you met Saul Goodman in real life, I think he’d look a lot less like Bob Odenkirk and a lot more like Michael Cohen. Although apparently, Michael Cohen likes to think of himself as Tom Hagen, the smooth-as-silk fixer from “The Godfather,” though he seems a lot more like Fredo Corleone.
Is that your ego in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Cohen apparently relishes his self-perceived status as a bully, threatening reporters that might publish material critical of Daddy Trump. But despite his best efforts to conceal Trump’s multiple extramarital affairs, he was wildly unsuccessful. Not only have the affairs come to light, but the payoffs made by Cohen make the situation far worse than it would have been otherwise, resulting in a major political distraction for the White House.
And only those born yesterday could credibly believe that Cohen made payments to Stormy Daniels without Trump’s knowledge. Did Cohen just secretly make the payments and then pretend the problem resolved itself? Was Trump not slightly curious about why Daniels’ stopped bother him? Cohen did all this, including having Daniels sign an NDA, despite Cohen’s insistence that the story is false. Just like an innocent person
An expert at nothing
Of the many incompetents attracted to Trump, Cohen is one of the least effective. He’s up there with EPA Director Scott Pruitt in being so humorously bad at his job that you’d kinda feel sorry for him if he wasn’t also such an incredible tool. Literally nothing he’s done has worked, so far as we know.
Cohen has remained vigorously oblivious to the white-hot fire of justice breathing down his neck, despite the incredible step taken to search his office for records pertaining to Meuller’s Russia investigation.
Furthermore, he’s is apparently so good at his job that, despite the many incompetent losers given cabinet positions in the Trump administration, Cohen was never considered. He’s still just a private bribery expert. Michael Cohen, Expert Pornstar Attorney-at-Law.
Cohen does, however, have some experience with government. Which is, shockingly, more than many of Trump’s appointees can say. He ran as a Republican for New York City council in the 4th district and bragged about harassing a coffee shop over nuisance violations in his campaign finance documents, saying:
When the coffee shop in my neighborhood got lazy about its trash, I hectored them into obtaining a state-of-the-art disposal system
Hectoring into compliance with your personal desires: the highest calling of public officials.
Like any good lawyer, Cohen is currently under investigation for bank fraud, wire fraud, and campaign finance violations, which are partially related to paying off Stormy Daniels. Today, he spends his time periodically retweeting people defending him, criticizing reporters, and insisting he’s done nothing wrong.
If you could be the worst and lamest version of Saul Goodman, you would be Michael Cohen. I guess thems the breaks: live by the wire fraud and petty intimidation, die by the wire fraud and petty intimidation.
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