Let’s Arm Teachers With Pillows and Puppies, Not Handguns And Rifles

arming our teachers

Gun-wielding Republicans are convinced that giving our teachers guns will put an end to school shootings. However, those of us with any form of common sense know that giving kids easy access to weapons in school is a situation that certainly won’t end well. Aside from both the students and teachers who will definitely get shot unintentionally if this becomes standard practice, if there’s a kid who’s considering taking out his classmates having a gun within arms reach in all of their classes will only help them accomplish this. So, rather than arming our teachers with handguns and rifles, perhaps we can try arming them with these instead.

Arm Teachers With Puppies

arming our teachers

It might seem ridiculous, but hear me out. Even though there’s no indication that all school shootings have been linked to mental illness, you have to admit that someone in their right mind wouldn’t kill a bunch of their classmates at random knowing in the back of their mind that they will likely be killed themselves. These kids are suicidal at the very least. Even a kid who has repeatedly been bullied would theoretically only target the specific students who harassed them. Unless of course, there was something wrong with the way this particular kid thought. Dogs are known for their ability to comfort others and improve self-esteem. Those suffering from mental health issues have found that dogs help with their anxiety, depression, and socialization skills. So, why not arm our teachers with puppies? Our elementary schools all have hamsters and turtles in their classrooms, but then as the kids get older, we stop keeping pets in their classrooms for some reason. Not only would having dogs in schools be great for the kids but those pups would benefit as well. We all know there are too many dogs dying in shelters.

Arm Teachers With Pillows

arming our teachers

High school is unbelievably painful. Kids have to wake up insanely early, and those who participate in any afterschool activities or sports end up having a day longer than most adults who work 40 hours a week. What’s worse is that once our teens get home from school, they’re stuck doing homework and studying for exams, sometimes for hours. Reinstating naptime might just help lift moods and alleviate some of the pressure students are facing every day. They’re going to fall asleep in algebra or history anyway, so why not invest in a few cots and allow them to nap on their free time? Even snoozing for just 20 minutes will help them recharge their batteries and lift their spirits, getting them through their long days.

Arm Teachers With Taser Guns

arming our teachers

This one will satisfy some of the NRA fanatics. Giving our teachers taser guns rather than a gun that shoots deadly bullets is a safer bet. They aren’t fatal and aiming is far less complicated than it is when using a handgun. Will teachers tase themselves accidentally? Yes, most definitely. Will kids get their hands on it and tase their friends? You bet! But if there’s a shooter in the building they can stop him from up to 15 feet away without killing them. And when the kids manage to get their hands on their teacher’s taser gun, the most damage they can do is stun someone into peeing themselves. Still quite ridiculous to give our teachers weapons, but this is far better than the alternative.

Arm Teachers With Higher Salaries

arming our teachers

We’ve all heard that teachers are highly respected in other cultures, yet in America, our teachers are far from appreciated. Not only is this reflected in the government’s reaction to all of these recent school shootings, but it’s reflected in their salaries as well. Our educators are forced to stay in their classrooms late and bring work home, putting in countless hours that they’ll never be paid for. Aside from that, budgets are so low that teachers are forced to spend what little money they have left over after paying their bills to buy supplies for their classrooms. Our education system can’t even do the bare minimum and provide every school with the basics. Now that teachers are literally risking their lives every day at work, perhaps they deserve a salary that reflects that.

Arm Teachers With Panic Buttons

arming our teachers

Banks have them, so why not schools? Even though everyone has a cell phone these days, taking the time to call 911 takes precious minutes away from overseeing students as they follow emergency protocol, one which might include barricading the doors and windows. Not to mention that speaking to an emergency operator risks giving away their hiding spot if the shooter is nearby. A panic button in every classroom will allow teachers to alert the authorities in just a few seconds and improve everyone’s chance of survival. The button will not only be able to inform police that there’s a shooter on school grounds, but it will alert them sooner, so more lives are saved.

Arm Teachers With Proper Training

arming our teachers

Kids who are considering acting out in violent ways don’t always exhibit visible signs of isolation or depression. These are considered stereotypical identifiers, which can be a dangerous way of thinking. Teachers need to know that the warning signs of a shooter aren’t written in black and white, as they are rarely trained to recognize the proper signs when they pop up in their classrooms. Instead, they’re looking for stereotypes because they haven’t been taught otherwise. Since not all shooting cases are the same, these kids aren’t always easy to spot but that doesn’t mean taking this step won’t save lives. Proper training on this subject should become a requirement for teaching certifications.

Arm Teachers With Bulletproof Shelters

arming our teachers

Sadly, schools are starting to install bulletproof shelters inside classrooms. These pods take up a corner of the room or sections of the hallway, and can actually fit 35 or more people inside them. When there isn’t a shooting taking place, these pods are being used as quiet reading or study areas for students who finish their work early or have free time. Right now these shelters are only being built in cities where tornados are prominent, as they also double as a storm shelter. They’re expensive, but if the government takes that money they were so willing to use to buy teachers guns and give it to schools for this reason, then every classroom in the country will have one in no time!


When “First Children” Go Wild: 5 Times Children Of The White House Were Caught Making Bad Decisions

Celebrate Paying Your Taxes, Because They’re Not Stupid Or Misspent At All!

Rose Burke

Freelance writer and art enthusiast, Rose Burke, often writes humorous essays inspired by awkward dating experiences and life’s cruel sense of humor. When she's not doing that, she's typically writing entertainment articles on women's issues, politics, feminism, and other trending topics her readers love. Her work has been published in The Southampton Review, The Conium Review, The Richest, The Independent, CINEMABLEND, and more. Author of the popular feminist blog series "Writings of the Satirical Feminista," Rose is currently focusing on a collection of humorous personal essays while she travels the world.


Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.