Celebrate Paying Your Taxes, Because They’re Not Stupid or Misspent At All!

Hooray! It’s that time of year again when Americans of every stripe are forced to dig deep and pony up the dough so the United States government can keep chugging along. Unless you’re rich, of course, and then it’s time to squirrel away some money in the Cayman Islands. For everyone without a tax shelter, though, April means taxes.

Even if you’re one of the millions of US citizens expecting a refund on your taxes, April still means the super fun task of filling out government forms. Awesome, awesome, totally easy-to-understand government forms that can definitely not munch my butt.

Fortunately, tax season is universally greeted with a sense of jubilation and optimism from coast to coast. After all, the people of the United States can rest comfortably knowing that the trillions of dollars the government will collect in revenue this year is going to super-worthy purposes like paying off China and funding the President’s golf trips.

This isn’t Trump playing golf while President … he just looks like a tool and made a writer giggle.(Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

Ever wondered where your money is going? Here’s the low down on taxes, the budget, and some reasons that you should be pumped to hand over more than ten percent of your annual income.

Spending Your Money, By the Numbers

Over the course of this year, the federal government will collect around $3.3 trillion in hard-earned money. That total doesn’t include the additional $2.9 trillion that the state and local governments will happily collect by grabbing your ankles, turning you upside down, and shaking until money falls out of your pockets.

That 3 trillion is divided into three primary parts: mandatory spending, discretionary spending, and paying the interest on the money we owe other countries.

Courtesy of the National Priorities Project, a group of people with the unenviable task of making people care about pie charts.

Mandatory spending is the money that the government is obligated to pay based on the fluctuating size of the program. That is, when the number of people in the program is small, the budget is small; when there are lots of people enrolled, the government has to spend lots of money.

Okay, quick example: Medicare. If a bunch of people in the United States qualify for and then enroll in Medicare, then the mandatory spending budget goes up accordingly. If fewer people sign up, the government has to pay less, and the budget for it goes down.

That’s why the conservative people in your life moan and groan about more and more people needing — ugh! — proper food and healthcare. The selfish bastards.

Discretionary spending is all the nit-picky rigamarole that changes year over year. Mostly, though, discretionary spending is the United States’ yearly murder budget.

Courtesy of the National Priorities Project, a group of people who just might be the Real MVP.

Just consider all the brilliant ways that the government allocates your money.

The rest of the money is devoted to paying off the interest on the debt we have spread out across the world (also known as China).

America’s Military Is Number-Effing-One

More than half of the country’s discretionary budget — or about 5 Jeff Bezos’ — is spent on the military. That’s four times more than our nearest competitor, China. Of course, it’s money well spent, because the United States uses those billions to fund kick-ass projects like the F-35 fighter jet.


Sure, the F-35 may have taken almost 20 years to finish, but all it cost was $1.5 trillion thanks to a decade of mismanagement so terrible that if the story of its development was adapted into a movie, Oliver Stone would direct.

It’s all part of making sure that the German … no … Commie … er, terrorist — yeah, “terrorist” is the threat they’re going with these days — ahem, to make sure that the looming TERRORIST threat is kept at bay.

Books Are for Nerds

A whopping 2.1 percent of the total federal budget goes to educate the children. I know, that sounds like a ton, right? Bar none, the federal government’s educational budget of around 70 billion is all about efficiency. The educational budget is so exceptionally efficient that, in some states, teachers get to choose between getting a second job and going on food stamps.

Your taxes are helping create an educational system that is so efficient teachers across the country are picking up signs and forming loose circles in front of their schools to praise the government for being so darned efficient.


The educational budget is so efficient that the United States has earned the coveted spot of the twentieth best educational system in the world. Woo!

Supporting the President’s Lifestyle

In 2018, the federal budget will include an extra chunk for the Secret Service — at least, if they got their wish. In March of last year, based on just two months of presidential travel, the Secret Service added $60 million to the 2018 budget to accommodate golf trips and the fact that Melania is uncomfortable being in the same building with the President.

Exciting Math for the Future

Those people who are confident that climate change is a fabrication of the socialist deep state will be comforted to know that the United States has put their faith firmly in the Lord. That’s where their faith must be because it’s certainly not in Science or the Environment. Combined, both programs account for around $69 billion.

If climate change is a hoax or the Rapture happens, our bases are covered. Eh, devoting money to science programs is probably a waste of money, anyway, since our educational systems are so underfunded tomorrow’s graduates will be lucky enough to know how to read let alone use the scientific method.

Why is that exciting? Because when the climate shifts, the water rises, and the government falls because our kid’s kids are going to be reliving Waterworld, things will undoubtedly be exciting.


Everything Is Purring Like a Kitten

Thanks to the talent assembled at our highest levels (their slice of the pie is $2 billion more than the educational budget, by the way) paying your taxes isn’t lending more cash to an unwieldy hydra that specializes in crafting over-priced, but super sweet machines that can kill people while they’re hovering.

Paying your taxes means … oh wait, it does mean that. But hey, at least your kids are using textbooks from the 1960s and being taught by someone who’s looking forward to their night job as a pub trivia host at the local bar.

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