Germany Is 100 Percent Totally Controlled By Russia, Obviously


When he sat down before the 28 other countries that make up NATO, Donald Trump didn’t mince words. Our glorious leader’s first order of business was collecting on the debt owed to America from the other members of the so-called North Atlantic Treaty Organization. Second, however, Trump was keen on exposing Angela Merkel’s German regime’s blatant connection to Russia.

Thanks to a landmark oil and gas deal struck between the two nations, Germany has become Russian President Vladimir Putin’s puppet regime in one fell swoop. And we might have overlooked the whole thing if not for the efforts of the world’s most independent leader, Donald Trump, a man so self-sufficient that Paul Simon’s “I Am a Rock” is supposedly about him.

About All Those Bills That Are Due

When he wasn’t busy making Germany his bitch by dropping alternative truth bombs, Trump was calling for the backpay the United States is due for keeping the world safe from Russia. See, when NATO was founded in 1949, its sole purpose was to keep an eye on those crafty Reds.

While some naysayers have tried to convince the Donald that the international situation has changed somewhat in the subsequent six decades, he’s totally on a roll, so there’s no use bogging him down with “information.” So even though these days, NATO does other stuff besides just keep an eye on Russia, they still do that, too, which means that NATO’s sole purpose is still to keep the Soviets at bay. See how that works?


Every one of the member countries keeps the lights on and the bullets flying on their anti-Soviet campaign by contributing up to 2 percent of their GDP to military funds. At least, that’s the goal. As of now, only five of the 29 member countries actually commit that amount.

Sure, the NATO countries were supposed to have six more years to hit that mark. And, sure, some of them are spending that money on, you know, food and stuff. But the United States already pays its two percent, so we’re obviously due we get a little bit of compensation from the nations that already can’t afford to pay the bill anyway.

That’s why it was also so super smart of Trump to recommend bumping the annual contribution to 4 percent. Naturally, it will increase the payout due to the United States in coming years. That’s how all this works, right?


Germany Is Bigly Under the Thumb of Russia

It’s that airtight logic which Trump subsequently applied to a recent business arrangement between Germany and Russia. In early July, the two nations (and by nations, I mean a private German company having nothing to do with the government and the Russian-owned gas company Gazprom) finalized an $11 billion deal to build a pipeline — the Nord Stream 2 — underneath the Baltic Sea from Russia to Germany. Trump decried the obvious political influence that Russia would have over the Merkel-ator and her ex-Nazi buddies if the deal went go through.


Demonstrating his razor-sharp command of international politics and modern history, Trump scolded NATO, saying, “I have to say, I think it’s very sad when Germany makes a massive oil and gas deal with Russia where we’re supposed to be guarding against Russia. We’re supposed to protect you against Russia, but they’re paying billions of dollars to Russia, and I think that’s very inappropriate.”

He’s right. I mean, what’s the point of NATO if there isn’t a Ruskie in the crosshairs somewhere?

What Relationship Between Putin and Trump?

If you were a cynic who believed, say, that Putin has his hand shoved so far up the president’s no-no place that Ol’ Vlady can work Trump’s mouth like a puppet, then you might be inclined to think to think that Trump’s protest might just be smoke and mirrors designed to distract from certain election meddling rumors. That concern might even be reinforced when Trump and Putin have a “deeply productive” talk a few days after Trump slams Germany.

But those people are dummies. The Trump was unmistakably getting his diplomacy on.

Interestingly enough, a rarely known definition of “diplomacy” reads, “to get installed by a foreign power and then spend the next four (please God only four) years playing stooge at the expense of your country.”

This One Other Thing That’s Not A Contributing Factor At All

In a word: oil. Now, I know that oil has never influenced political policy or international relationships, but bear with me.

See, you might not know it, but Russia isn’t the only country in the oil and gas business. In fact, the United States also considers itself something of an oil and gas powerhouse, as well. In 2018, we’re poised to pump more oil and gas from within our borders than at any other time in history.

As we extract more product, it doesn’t actually work with our five-year plan to have some BS country using their geographic location to their advantage. How is Germany supposed to become drug-addict reliant on US oil if they go and become drug-addict reliant on Russian oil?! It’s total crap.


Some German Lady Talks Out of Turn

Taking a break from having her country slowly turn on her for being charitable, Angela Merkel made the time to respond to Trump’s claim that Germany was in Putin’s pocket.

Speaking at the NATO summit, the German Chancellor recalled fondly her time suffering in poverty in Russia’s East Berlin. “I’ve experienced myself a part of Germany controlled by the Soviet Union,” she said, adding, “I’m very happy today that we are united in freedom as the Federal Republic of Germany and can thus say that we can determine our own policies and make our own decisions and that’s very good.”

She then went on to talk about how devastating this thing called a Berlin Wall was … but, honestly, I started tuning her out because obviously border walls are boss.


So, What Does This Mean for Germany, Russia, and the US?

Ultimately, even though his objections were delivered with his characteristic intelligence and aplomb, Trump’s comments have had little impact on the Nord Stream 2. Oh wait, that’s not true, because acting on the prez’s behalf a couple of heroic GOP Senators suggested a bill that would enact automatic sanctions on any company helping construct the pipeline.

What’s more, the possibility of punishment tariffs on German exports to the United States (on things like cars) has begun to circulate, as well. (If you need to buy a BMW or a Volkswagen, you probably better do so now.)

Best of all, for almost 24 hours, people had to figure out if Trump is full of shit about the German-Russian collusion instead of focusing on Trump’s relationship with Putin.

Which doesn’t even exist, anyway.

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