Expensive Pen Agency, or Why Does Scott Pruitt Still Have a Job?

It’s starting to seem like there’s basically no good reason for Scott Pruitt to still have a job. The obviously corrupt head of Trump’s EPA has been implicated in so many spending calamities that daddy having rich taste simply ain’t an excuse no more.

The Expensive Pen Agency’s Origin Story

epa expensive pen agency

Scott Also doesn’t seem to realize that he shouldn’t be spending hundreds of dollars on pens. Yes, pens. Scott Pruitt, king of the environmental castle, purchased twelve custom fountain pens at the low, low price of $1500. For gifting to foreign dignitaries! You know, the ones that visit the EPA… or get dragged there, anyway. And you know who approved this purchase? Scotty’s close personal friend! Trump’s 2020 campaign slogan should be “Vote For Me, Vote For Cronyism.”

Even if this kind of purchase was in line with what other agency heads had purchased in the past (which it isn’t) does Scotty not realize the optics of the Lord High Commander of the Environmental Guard spending hundreds of dollars on a handful of fancy pens? Better still, having his scout campaign and resident yes man rubber stamp the purchase.

Scott seems to be running the agency like he’s here for a good time, not for a long time. He’s trying to wring as many of those luscious corruption dollars from the agency as he can before his tinpot dictator of a boss gets kicked off the borscht train and Scotty gets run out of town with his pen between his legs.

Let’s please remember that Pruitt made a career out of suing the EPA. He essentially seems to be purposefully keeping the agency from executing its basic functionality. Morale within the agency is extremely low, mostly because Scott seems like he’s trying to destroy the agency on purpose. While deriving significant personal enrichment and enlarging his ego as much as possible, of course. That would not be a shocker of a move, considering the dude is on recording opposing the core functionality of the EPA. He also fought public battles against the agency on multiple occasions. Which obviously made him a natural choice to run it.

But Scott Still Has a Job, Apparently

Scott Pruitt (32312828184)

So why does Scott still have a job? I mean, that’s a question we could ask about more folks than just Mr. Pruitt. One reason is that Trump is running his administration like a business, meaning he uses his position of power and influence to grant personal favors to friends and flatterers. But a more interesting reason is that Trump’s contingency loathes the EPA with an irrational level of vitriol. They’re deeply disturbed by the agencies continued existence, which they seem to view as a jackbooted thug imposing on their God-given right to pump as many pollutants into the atmosphere and dump as much sludge into rivers as they damn well please.

F-450 coal rolling Monster

Just reflect on the whole “rolling coal” thing, in which a child who somehow managed to purchase and drive a large truck purposefully rigs their vehicle to emit a toxic mix of chemicals. You know, to own the libs by destroying the air we breathe. That will show those libtards that their viewpoint is a mental disorder. You’ll have the last laugh as you’re gasping on a toxic blend of chemicals.

In The End, Scott Pranks Himself


Everything Scott does is basically a prank on himself. All his transgressions are transparently pathetic. All of his possibly-illegal purchases serve the obvious intent of inflating his own ego. It’s like a man who drives a truck with an aggressive bumper sticker: you know that dude has an enormous wiener. Just like Scott, who has the biggest wiener of all time. He tried to get a special siren for his car so he could blow through D.C. traffic to make his restaurant reservations. That’s a GIANT wiener move!

It’s also, frankly, a very Russian thing to do. Not to bring up our favorite frenemy. No, but really: Russia has a special type of blue light for vehicles driven by “high status” folks. Pleebs and peasants are required to get out the way, unless they want to accidentally commit suicide with two shots to the back of the head. We all know that nothing says “big wiener” like a third-rate cabinet secretary aping the antics of criminal gangs and oppressive governments.

You know what Scott, shoot for the moon. No one likes you. You’re not invited to the office birthday parties anymore. And ya smell.

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Image Credit: Gage Skidmore

Alex Fox


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