Congratulations! You are now (considered, at least) to be a fully-functional adult. You have a decent job, you can pay the rent, pay the bills, and do your laundry. You make it a point to clean the living space every week, and you take your dirty laundry to the laundromat. Excellent!
How are you feeding yourself?
Takeout, you say? Chinese occasionally, pizza every Friday, and ramen whenever?
So, in short, you don’t know how to cook?
We feel you.
Hence, here are a handful of tweets to commiserate with when you just suck as a cook.
It all starts from childhood.
when your mom leaves you home alone and tells you to feed yourself pic.twitter.com/XcimhKuuyw
— Speak Comedy (@SpeakComedy) November 16, 2015
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
— Lil Blue Blood (@LilBlueBlood) June 12, 2015
Sure, I'll cook dinner.
How milky do you like your Captain Crunch?
— not Jerynn (@JerynnNicole) January 6, 2014
“What do you mean it’s not sushi?!”
[day after trying sushi for the first time]
ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table*
WIFE: this isn't cooke-
ME: it's sushi, susan— tomsauced (@trojansauce) April 23, 2016
You learn to get creative with your other appliances at home.
Here's another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) September 21, 2015
“Time-tested recipe”, my foot! I’m getting me some Girl Scout cookies.
A lady posted her grandmother's brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
— Darla (@ddsmidt) January 9, 2016
When you have a date over, it just gets more… interesting.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
'Oh yeah, I love to cook!'
*removes salad from the microwave— Fat Gandalf (@sofarrsogud) January 7, 2016
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*— brent (@murrman5) November 6, 2013
This one likes to set her partner’s expectations from the start.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he'll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
— DEEleted (@mydmac) May 15, 2016
And then this person goes and marries you anyway, and then whoops.
Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I'm some sort of amateur?
*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*
— Karissa (@Karissajem) October 31, 2015
Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I'm some sort of amateur?
*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*
— Karissa (@Karissajem) October 31, 2015
Me: This chicken is undercooked.
Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking.
Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.
— Queef Tornado© (@QueefTornado) September 21, 2013
and then there’s this whole conflict involving pasta.
when I try to cook something pic.twitter.com/kfDu1PKs2f
— Student Problems (@FactsOfSchool) March 28, 2016
So much pasta.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong— Mitten d'Amour (@MittenDAmour) May 23, 2013
This method of cooking rice is very expensive. Hella expensive.
COOKING HACK: if you put too much water in your rice, toss a few phones in there pic.twitter.com/hKNFpmfwAp
— very good boy online (@UniqueDude2) September 4, 2015
Will someone please think of the children?!
5-year-old: Why don't we say Grace?
Me: I don't know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 31, 2015
Okay, that’s it, no dessert for this one.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
"What is this? It tastes like hair," said one ungrateful child.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) July 15, 2015
and this scene when your friends want to do you a kindness.
when the food is nasty but you ain't trying to hurt someone's feelings pic.twitter.com/r3zIIu7lEW
— Vinny™ (@vinit_mittal) November 28, 2015
We know, it’s tough. Please don’t be hard on yourself. Julia Child didn’t happen overnight, and if you watch her episodes, she also messed up quite often. We salute you on your quest to improve your cooking skills. Yo can do it!
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