All the Ways Donald Screwed Up With North Korea

U.S. President Donald Trump shakes hands with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un at the Capella Hotel on Sentosa island in Singapore June 12, 2018. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst - RC1B1E222A90

So Donald has accomplished his big meeting with Kim, shaking hands before a collection of North Korean and United States flags side by side. And of course, the conservative news media, which once crucified Obama for being willing to speak with Kim, is now screaming that Trump deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for his awesome handshaking skills. And considering that Obama got a Nobel Prize for basically being black and elected president, it’s easy to see how they connected the dots there.

But we all know how easy it will be for Donald to scuttle this whole thing. It’s basically an awards show anyway, with no substance and plenty of clapping. Even if it’s all a dumb show, it’s certain that Dumb Daddy Donald will find a way to screw this up too.

There are no actual requirements

Image by DonkeyHotey [CC BY 2.0]
Trump has been saying that Kim will disarm his nukes because he says so. Of course, since Donald has the emotional intellect of a four-year-old, it’s no surprise that he’ll just believe a dictatorial lunatic with a long track record of lying. And the “agreement” that Donald presented after The Great Handshake is long on rhetoric and short on actual requirements. Basically, there’s nothing hanging over Kim’s head that will force him to disarm. This is very much a “looked into his eyes” moment, recalling George Dubba’s catastrophic miscalculation of Vladimir Putin’s general evilness.

Korea has promised this before

This isn’t the first time that North Korea has promised to disarm their nukes. Indeed, the country has sworn promises such close to a dozen times over the last 18 years, averaging around one promise every 18 months. What’s different about this time? Well, the pageantry! The Donald-ness of the moment! The incredible deal making skills of a man who has declared bankruptcy more times that I have smoked weed! He’s got the panache, the hair, and the poorly-fitted suit to make this happen.

As we already mentioned, there’s nothing in this “deal” that will force Korea to keep their word. There are no carrots to guide the rogue nation along the path that the rest of the world wants them to take. So basically, Korean is supposed to disarm because they said so. If you’re dumb enough to buy that, I’ve got a Trump Tower to sell you.

Donald has zero chill

Trump-Kim Meeting v1

Donald likes to make fun of people. He mostly does this because he has no idea how to talk to anyone. He’s a Grade A sperg with no attention span and little critical thinking power. He’d fail the marshmallow test in half a second and then pound on the glass to demand more. So it’s not really surprising that he thought making fun of Kim’s weight was a hilarious joke. He’s definitely endeared himself to his counterpart.

Kim is actually smarter than Donald

Trump and Kim shaking hands in the summit room

You know how opposites attract? Well, Kim and Donald are real close to being the same person. Sure, Donald isn’t running a “democratic” socialist republic that puts people in gulags and refuses to allow emigration. But man, can you imagine how psyched Donald would be if he could put people in gulags for tweeting mean things? Man, he would have an erection constantly from all that POWAH.

Kim has all that power, and he’s just as crazy as Donald. It’s one tinpot dictator looking into the eyes of another over the negotiation table, and one of them can use that knowledge to screw over the other. And sadly for the United States, Kim is smart enough to realize that he can definitely walk all over Trump, provided he butters him up with transparent compliments about his hairstyle and leadership technique. And even a high-functioning lunatic like Kim can see the writing on the wall: when a Democratic president is elected next term, he won’t get nearly as fine a deal. So he’s putting his chips on the table and trying to hammer out a beneficial deal before Trump gets impeached or just falls off the toilet so hard he dies.

Donald, of course, would never imagine that someone even could manipulate. Donald, unbelievably, thinks that he’s super smart. So he wouldn’t even guess that Kim could get one over on him, let alone that he would try. And that kind of unearned self-confidence makes people easy to lead around by the nose.

Welcome to Donald’s bizarro vision of America, where the news media is the enemy and our actual enemies are trustworthy friends!

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