A Totally True, Completely Unbiased History of Marijuana in the United States


Let’s just kick things off by stating the obvious: marijuana is an insidious, life-ruining gateway drug and there is absolutely no evidence to suggest that this horrific pockmark on the planet Earth is remotely helpful in any way, shape, or form.

Any evidence that indicates otherwise, like this study that indicates marijuana is effective at stemming the opioid epidemic, or this one that says low doses of weed can promote healthy cognitive function, or even this one that says pot can improve your sex life: it’s all crap.

Yet, the liberal agenda continues to push forward legislation condoning the Devil’s plant. Corrupt Chuck Schumer has joined the growing crowd of politicians championing the decriminalization or marijuana. Heck, in early April, these lying liars managed to convert a GOP hero in John Boehner (pronounced, “boh-ner”). The Ohio Republican known for his universally enlightened take on politics tweeted:

One more superstar taken down by the ill effects of this terror drug.

Marijuana: Literally the Worst Drug on the Planet. Ever.

In spite of the unwarranted onslaught of those who would see everyone doped up all the time, marijuana remains classified as a Schedule I narcotic, the same category that contains heroin, LSD, and peyote, among others.

Cocaine, OxyContin, and meth are Schedule II narcotics. Because obviously. Those substances are clearly less harmful than bud. Coke and meth keep the after-hours semi-used DVD player market alive. Weed keeps people shut up in their homes like degenerates.

Alcohol, the magical nectar that has been helping great drivers get home and abusive dickheads ruin people’s day for centuries, is not a scheduled substance, because — unlike marijuana — alcohol has all the medical applications and zero potential for abuse. After all, alcohol is a wonder juice that has never harmed anyone at all.


The massive and sprawling marijuana lobby wants you to believe that cannabis is harmless when consumed in moderation, just like a good, wholesome shot of tequila. It’s just not true, and thank god for the public servants who have spent the better part of a century teaching the public about the evils of weed.

The First Legislation Against Marijuana: Totally Not Racist

While a lot of people out there will tell you that weed came over on the Mayflower, that isn’t the case. Colonial Americans grew hemp, which — while very useful — cannot get anyone high. George Washington did not smoke bud. (Really, all joking aside, he didn’t. Stop saying he did. It was one joke in Dazed and Confused; it wasn’t a real historical fact. Cut it out.)


No, cannabis didn’t come into the United States in a big way until the early days of the twentieth century. Marijuana was already seeing extensive use throughout Central and South America and the Caribbean, thanks to Portuguese and British slaveholders who used bud to pacify slaves.

By the time the Mexican Revolution broke out in 1910, marijuana was everywhere white people weren’t. When the violence in Mexico pushed Mexican farmers north across the border, they brought pot with them. Thank goodness then that the definitely not bigoted people of El Paso were there to enact the country’s first ordinance against weed in 1914. Laws like this one and several to follow helped enforce the notion that weed “was known as a colored people’s drug.”

Harry Anslinger: Definitely Not a Bureaucrat Trying to Save His Own Ass

In 1930, Harry Anslinger was appointed as the head of the fledgling Federal Bureau of Narcotics. Just a few short years later, the government’s number one narcotic — blessed, blessed alcohol — was returned to its rightful place in the home of every free American with low impulse control. With most of his business flushed down the toilet this crusader for justice knew that he needed another culprit if he wanted to save … America.

Yeah, let’s go with “America” there.


Even worse, cocaine or heroin wouldn’t do as his primary focus, because there just wasn’t enough people abusing them. No, Anslinger needed something more prevalent and more comfortable to hate. Fortunately for him, there were nervous white people whose baseless fears could be exploited by fueling the fervor over cannabis.

It’s Popular Among Immigrants and White People Fear It … It’s Perfect!

In the decade of Prohibition, people either too cautious to hit a speakeasy or too square to find one began exploring the horrors of marijuana. The sweet, soothing horrors. In the early 1930s, when he needed a new scourge to snub out in America, Anslinger used the cannabis’ burgeoning popularity, and it’s connection to both Hispanic immigrants and the black community to begin a campaign to keep himself in a job — er, purge the country of evil narcotics.


Actually — and let me know if this isn’t relevant — until the 1930s, pot was mostly referred to as cannabis. When Anslinger began to target the black and brown people smoking weed, however, he chose to call cannabis by its Mexican name: marijuana. It’s probably not important.

Now, is it true that Anslinger once said the connection between marijuana and violence was an “absurd fallacy”? Also not important.

While we’re there, it’s also worth disregarding that Anslinger called 30 scientists looking for the smoking gun on weed, got turned down by 29 of them, and then decided to publicize the results of the only person who agreed with him.

No, while the liberal hordes are distracting you with those nonsense tales, your real takeaway should be this:

Armed with threats that marijuana (nee cannabis) promoted deplorable interracial mixing and the daring insight of a doctor who disagreed with 97 percent of his colleagues like some forerunner of a modern climate change denier, Anslinger convinced Congress to outlaw the possession and distribution of cannabis in 1937.

It was a glorious case of alternative facts at their most impressive.


Stay Vigilant, or the Reefer Madness Will Get Us

In the years since the DEA has picked up Anslinger’s quest for cannabis prohibition with a zeal that saw more than 500,000 people arrested for marijuana possession in 2016. Not dealing. Not trafficking. Possession.

For all our efforts locking up pot smokers, somehow there are still free people out there advocating its use. The tide is slowly turning against the righteous as marijuana continues to crawl across the country like a hazy Green Menace. At present, eight states have legalized recreational pot, 29 have decriminalized its use, and every day more people are being swayed.


Sure, in 2015, Colorado made $135 million in tax revenue ($35 million of which was spent on new schools), but don’t be fooled by those misleading statistics (or by the fact that the same study indicated that legalized marijuana contributes a lower crime rate and decreased use of drugs like cocaine).

That’s all smoke and mirrors. Smoke and mirrors that has been confirmed by several independent agencies in different countries across several decades. If the federal government wants to disregard the potential $130 billion in tax revenue plus the million jobs that legal marijuana could generate, it’s because the drug is patently abhorrent.

It’s certainly not anything to do with a decades-long fight to support an inherently misled bureaucracy that was based on fabricated evidence. It’s the “sinister” thing.

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