Cap’n Crunch Isn’t Really A Cap’n, Is A Childhood Ruiner [Twitter Reacts]

You might have seen a bit of disturbing news about Cap’n Crunch today. An image posted to Reddit and Imgur pointed out that due to the number of stripes on his sleeves, the cereal icon is actually just a lousy Commander, and therefore a childhood ruiner.

The revelation has caused the Internet to exploded with disappointment and despair, even as the “Cap’n” himself tries to do damage control and dispel the rumor on Twitter.

.@consumerist All hearsay misunderstandings! I captain the S.S. Guppy with my crew, which makes me an official Cap’n. #CrunchatizingRumors

— Cap’n Crunch (@RealCapnCrunch) June 17, 2013

Yeah, we’re not 5-years-old anymore, “Cap’n,” and we don’t buy that bullshit explanation! We’re with Foodbeast’s Charisma Madarang who said that her whole life was just “shattered into a pile of stale cereal crumbs” by the revelation that we now have to say “Crunchatize me, Commander” when it’s breakfast time.

We should note that there is an explanation floating around out there suggesting that Cap’n Crunch is still a Captain, so long as we’re playing by French rules where three stripes denotes a “Capitaine de frégate,” but that’s somehow worse.

Additionally, “Capitaine de frégate” translates to “Commander” in English, so, you know, back to square one.

Anyway, on to the massive outpouring of existential grief and black comedy found on Twitter in reaction to the Cap’n Crunch scandal.

So it turns out Cap’n Crunch wasn’t a real Captain, He is really a Commander….And now my childhood is ruined:(… https://t.co/Q2X0vr0MMK

— 93.3 KOB-FM (@KOBFM) June 19, 2013

But Count Chocula was a real Count, yes? RT @msnNOW Cap’n Crunch has been lying to us for years, isn’t a real captain https://t.co/YpkcGWtc4A

— Tony Thomas (@TonyThomas) June 19, 2013

Cap’n Crunch: Not really a Captain?!! The story Cap’n Crunch doesn’t want you to hear. pic.twitter.com/ijJJ0tRXEw

— Kevin Carson Ⓐ (@KevinCarson1) June 19, 2013

A woman once sued Cap’n Crunch because their “crunchberries” weren’t real berries.

— UberFacts (@UberFacts) June 15, 2013

Would you quit trying to ruin my #childhood! | Cereal dispute: Should Cap’n Crunch be demoted? https://t.co/SzXSIeFq4U via @wkyc

— Karen Bowman (@KBow5) June 19, 2013

Are you depressed that Cap’n Crunch is really just a lousy Commander?