The tension in NASA mission control was thick in the air, an over-wound clock ticking away in each of the engineers who had dedicated the last five years of their lives to this launch. The room represented some of the smartest people on the planet, and certainly some of the best minds in space exploration. And they stood like children waiting for their Christmas gifts, eagerly hoping they’ve got a puppy but gamely preparing to be let down should that not be the case. But as the lander touched down safely, the room erupted in cheers all around. Imagine how quickly five years of work could have totally destroyed thousands of miles from home on a planet with just enough atmosphere to slow a lander to a speed that won’t absolutely destroy it on impact. But Insight, NASA’s newest visitor to Mars, landed safely, as gently as could have been hoped, at exactly eight feet per second. The sessile lander unfurled its ping-pong-table-sized solar wings and settled in for a long while. Unlike other well-known Mars landers, the minivan-sized machine won’t move from this spot ever. Instead, it will drill down deep into the Martian crust, as NASA’s astronomers hope to learn more about the history of our Martian neighbor through the soil composition and geological history.
So you can imagine what a great shock it was when the cameras panned around to capture not only the rust-red Martian landscape but also a giant sign. Oh yes, that’s quite correct: NASA’s lander almost immediately encountered presence of extraterrestrial life. Why didn’t you hear about it? Well, it’s been kept top-secret as part of a government conspiracy that goes all the way to the tippy-top of our world’s power structure. As the camera passed over the letters of the glittering sign, the collective breathes of the room were held. Not a sound passed among the engineers, and not a breath was taken for long moments stretching into astonishing length. The camera played slowly across the giant letters… first T… then R.. then a U… a collective groan went up across mission control as the M and P lumbered in to view. Even here, on Mars, they cannot escape politics! But how did the sign get there?
Well, Elon Musk, famed extraterrestrial, can tell us. As the best-known scion of Mars, Elon is privy to many deep secrets of the Red Planet. He confided in our researchers that, when he lived on the Martian planet, he had a childhood playmate who was no other than Donald Trump himself! Yes, the president of the United States is, in fact, a Martian. While this does explain the variety of his incomprehensible, moronic behavior, it does raise some curious constitutional issues. While the founding documents of our country hardly specify the planet of origin for our president, it does make quite a bit of fuss about the president being a citizen of the United States. You see, there is some strange idea that the people who govern this country should, in fact, be from this country. And considering that Mars has not yet been conquered in the crowning glory of the United States, we can safely say that Donald Trump is surely both unfit and ineligible for office. So out with the bum!
Sure, it was perhaps predictable that Trump would be undone by his pathological requirement to print his name on virtually everything. That leaves us with Mike Pence, of course. Unfortunately, Pence can safely claim the flyover country as his land of origin. So while he is a thoroughly unpleasant person, we cannot find evidence that he is, in fact, an extraterrestrial. So it seems we’ll be stuck with the rock’em sock’em robot of Mike Pence’s half-formed policy notions has he rules over the remainder of us for the leftover years of Martian alien Donald Trump’s term.
Of course, there is still the unanswered question of why the alien known as Donald Trump chose such a truly terrible skin suit. As Elon was able to tell us, Martians can’t quite fit into human facial proportions. They tend to have lump jaws and unpleasant haircuts. But nevertheless, Trump seems to have decided on a truly awful skinsuit. While he would never be Tom Cruise, we can surely see better examples. Take the well-known alien from Saturn Tommy Wiseau. While he retains the same misshapen visage of all aliens, he at least tried to look like a badass. Sure, he was completely unsuccessful, but Trump went right for a “terrible fat person” costume. When he finally sheds his skin suit and displays his antennae, we can be sure that he will at least be slightly less hideous than he is today.
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