White People Get Special 911 Number To Call When They See Black People

If you’re black in an area occupied by white people, there is the default presumption that you’ve done something criminal. Or, you’re about to do something criminal. This default state of White Terror desires to keep black folks “out of view” in their “own” neighborhoods, discouraging diverse communities or multiple viewpoints by excluding black folks from vast swathes of geography, regardless of their status in the community.

Do you live in this apartment building? Too bad, this white lady decided you can’t come home. You’re babysitting someone’s kids? Nope, you’re clearly a child predator. You’re trying to get a sandwich at a deli? Nah, you clearly groped a white woman. You’re a middle-aged state representative door knocking for votes in dress clothes with campaign material? Nice try, you’re definitely a criminal casing you the neighborhood. Chilling at the pool in your own apartment building? Puh-leeze, get outta here, your dark skin represents an existential threat to the community.

The message is clear. Black folks, if you leave the house, some white lady will call the cops on you. Don’t watch your kids’ soccer game. Don’t have a barbecue on a nice day. And definitely, don’t have your children set up a roadside refreshment stand.

Those White Ladies, Always Making Trouble


We say a white lady, for it is always a white lady. What is it about these bitches that they can’t keep their nose out of everyone’s business?

“Hi officer, it’s Karen, and there are black people in the park. Can you believe it?”

“Yes, police? This is Susan. There is clearly a black person selling things. You have to stop them!”

“This is Becky, and I just saw black teens enjoying themselves out of doors—it’s depraved!”

Perhaps their perspective can be understood if not endorsed. In the imaginary world of pearl-clutching white ladies, it’s a scary universe. Look at the television news, where most paste-eaters get their news. You see young black men constantly accused of crimes by white news anchors. That must be because black people are just inherently criminal and dangerous, not that poor folks are more likely to slam into the criminal justice system at full speed. They beat up the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air! They listen to that “trap” music! They’re all ghetto, right?

That means that young girls, parents, and middle-aged women must be on the verge of committing a crime, brutalizing poor white people who have no way to protect themselves. Of course they’ll call the cops: they’re terrified both for their physical safety (look out for those deadly little girls!) and for their racial superiority. If black folks are allowed to be in their neighborhood, soon they’ll be allowed to hold jobs and cavort with white girls! Yep, that’s definitely a non-specious and totally sound line of reasoning that an adult would follow. 

Hotline Bling


So, in order to reduce calls to 911, which is for, you know, actual emergencies, the police have decided to set up a special, nationwide number for white ladies to call when they get scared by the mere presence of black people. The number, 1-888-WHYT-FEAR, will be available throughout the country at all hours of the day and night. When Molly and Stacey call the emergency line, they’ll be soothed with Enya music and guided through deep breathing exercises.

With the implementation of this hotline, white people will surely feel more secure. They’ll be talked through anxiety reducing exercises and ensured that they will not be mauled by a child selling water bottles. When they try to insist that “I’m not racist, but…” they’ll have a friendly ear to complain to. Of course, that’s just to lull them into a false sense of security. Because once their guard is down, we strike!

Originally, the plan was to connect callers with each other, but it was found this only fueled outrage, as crazy white people banded together to stoke each other’s irrational fears. Of course, this effect should have been foreseen: anyone who has visited 4chan or r/The_Donald has seen ample evidence of this in action.

You’ve found us out: this is all an elaborate plot for black folks to menace nosy white ladies.

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Alex Fox


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