Fact Checkers Dying From Overwork As Trump Just Won’t Shut Up


It’s become a plague. Bodies litter the hallways at Politifact. Writers at every publication from the New York Times to the Los Angeles Times collapse, drained and slumped over laptops in a catatonic stupor. Exhausted and famished, these poor sops have been chained to their desks by their sacred duty, driven to the brink and back again by President Trump’s unceasing cavalcade of lies. For when the president speaks, someone needs to be there to write it down and tell the internet about it. Otherwise, we’re just savages, poking each other with pointy sticks and not knowing about every living breath Donald Trump takes.

And what can be done to save these poor souls? Little, if anything. If only journalism was a profession that paid in money instead of dubious acclaim and online vitriol. Who wouldn’t want to be the target of every troll and trollette online, issuing death threats and painting a poop emoji on your door with every story you run? It’s the dream of every man, woman, and child to be digitally flogged in the public square for either simple mistakes or perceived partisan bias when you’re just trying to do your job.

This is not Dr. Ford. Even if it was..???

Thankless though it may be, these checkers of facts, these soldiers in the war for truth, justice, and the American way, press on regardless of the risks, personal and professional. Has $17 million in taxpayer money been spent on sexual harassment settlements for members of Congress? (No.) Was Christine Blasey Ford a hideous monster as a teenager? (Very no.)

 

Did Democrats talk about ending coverage for pre-existing conditions? (Ultra no.) Did President Trump actually board Air Force One with a piece of toilet paper stuck to his shoe? (Actually, yes.) Did Donald Trump’s posse happen to pose behind him just like that one scene in Back to the Future, perhaps the progenitor of Rick and Morty AND the only movie about time travel resulting in Oedipal sexual assault? Hilariously, YES!

Hey, Canada, I thought I told you never to come in here.

These are questions we are able to definitely answer because a website said they were true. Other websites might lie, you see, but not these ones! They are the sayer of facts, the arbiter of truths, the great halls of justice where memes are tried against the factual record and their sentence preached to the choir of self-satisfied liberals, so they might feel like they one-uped the Republicans without actually changing the debate or contributing in any meaningful way.

The Care and Feeding of Fact Checkers

Fact-checkers do their work in darkened basements, in boiler rooms, in clubs blasting metal music like in the Matrix. They are not hackers of computer data, but hackers of truth. Like all real hackers, they dress like the Unabomber at all times, with a hoodie pulled up and sunglasses on at night, indoors. These specialized sunglasses look dope as hell, of course. But only a special few know the secret: these glasses, custom made for fact-checkers, allow them to spot lies on the page. When coupled with the rare genetic mutation that all true fact checkers bear, these goggles cause lies to appear in scintillating magenta, whether spoken or written. Don’t think about it too hard, alright?

It’s this preternatural gift for spotting everything from fibs to gross inaccuracy that makes fact checker such a valued breed of human. However, this ability also makes it difficult for fact checkers to get along with other humans, so if you want a fact checker in your household, make sure they know not to constantly point out white lies over the dinner table. It’s quite disruptive, after all, to discover that your cooking is, in fact, garbage food and that your children actually did something in school today.

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Alex Fox

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