Politicians vs. Horror Movie Villains: Who’s Worse?


Politicians vs. Horror Movie Villains

It’s that time of the year when we finally get those pumpkin spice lattes we’ve been craving for eleven months and spend our weekends taking apple picking selfies, but for horror fans, it’s also when some of our favorite movies are on TV. No, I’m not talking about Hocus Pocus or Halloweentown, even though both of those movies are amazing. I’m talking about the films featuring Michael Myers, my friend Freddy, Charles Lee Ray, and anything else you wouldn’t dare watch without the lights on.

When the news portrays a world that’s far scarier than any movie could possibly be, it gets you thinking. Who’s worse? Politicians or horror movie villains?

Politicians Can Hide In Plain Sight

Politicians vs. Horror Movie Villains

While horror movie villains wear masks or transfer their souls into toy dolls, politicians look just like any other white middle-aged man. They can look like your uncle, your neighbor, or your favorite vulgar reality show personality. This makes them harder to spot, and therefore, far more dangerous than any horror movie villain. Admit it. If you see a guy in a hockey mask carrying a machete walking towards you, you’d run. On the other hand, if you see some old white dude in a suit coming towards you with a smile on his face, you’d probably smile back. That’s one point against the politicians!

Politicians Are Rapists

Politicians vs. Horror Movie Villains

Not only are all politicians accused rapists, but they’ve also all managed to get away with it as well. Hell will freeze over before we see a white politician held responsible for his actions. At least when a horror movie villain tries to stick their tongue in someone’s mouth, they can kill them, and no one will mind. They’re far more preoccupied with murdering people though, so that’s another point against politicians.

Horror Movie Villains Will Kill You

Politicians vs. Horror Movie Villains

Once you’ve been targeted by a horror movie villain, you’re pretty much done for. They won’t stop chasing you until you’re dead unless you’re the one person who gets to live and be killed off later in the sequel. Politicians might sexually assault you, force you to live in fear for decades and then reduce your experience to an attempt at 15-minutes of fame if you ever gain the courage to come forward. But you’re more likely to stay alive, so it’s politicians with two points and horror movie villains with one.

Politicians Are Compulsive Liars

Politicians vs. Horror Movie Villains

While horror movie villains tend to be pretty blunt about their intentions to kill people, politicians will lie until they’re blue in the face. Even if there is video evidence disputing their claims, they will stick with their tall tales no matter how foolish they look. They will say it’s fake news. It’s photoshop. It wasn’t them. On their death beds, instead of clearing their consciouses so they have a better chance of being accepted at the pearly gates of heaven, they reaffirm every lie they’ve ever told in their life. They can’t help it, it’s in their blood.

The Results

Politicians vs. Horror Movie Villains

Politicians for the win! They’re far worse than any horror movie villain, but did you really expect anything else?

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Rose Burke

Freelance writer and art enthusiast, Rose Burke, often writes humorous essays inspired by awkward dating experiences and life’s cruel sense of humor. When she's not doing that, she's typically writing entertainment articles on women's issues, politics, feminism, and other trending topics her readers love. Her work has been published in The Southampton Review, The Conium Review, The Richest, The Independent, CINEMABLEND, and more. Author of the popular feminist blog series "Writings of the Satirical Feminista," Rose is currently focusing on a collection of humorous personal essays while she travels the world.

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