Trump Fires FBI Agent For Getting Uppity In Text Messages

It’s been a long week for Donald Trump, and it’s only Tuesday. He’s weathered the self-inflicted wound of a disloyal aide, a tell-all piece about his misunderstanding of “the concept of time zones,” and a judge that he himself appointed refusing to block the Mueller investigation. You can bet that he’d be pacing a furrow into the Oval Office’s rug if he ever walked around at all. You can tell by his Adonis-like physique and maverick “gut-forward” posture that he’s a serious walker.

With all that weighing down his shoulders, even mighty Atlas would weaken. Trump, as you know, is hardly an Atlas. He’s barely a crumpled-up MapQuest print out. He cannot even pronounce Nepal.

Little surprise, then, that Trump has apparently vented his frustrations upon an uppity FBI agent, namely one Peter Strzok. That fella with a mouthful of a last-name apparently bad-mouthed Trump in some private text messages. And normally, who cares, right? Who among us has not bandied an insult or two on the topic of our commander and chief and his over-healthy level of self-esteem. Let him or her cast the first stone and all that.

The issue is that Komrade Strzok was, at the time, helping to lead the Russia investigation. You know, that one that Trump can’t stop talking about. The “WITCH HUNT” that’s busy digging up actual witches and trying them for dull-as-dishwater financial misbehavior, the kind of stuff rich white dudes are always doing right under the noses of the enforcement authority, right up until they color outside the lines and offend someone. It’s a great back-scratching cesspool of self-interested twerps, the kinds of guys that would steal your wallet and then help you look for it.  But that’s another story.

Strzok was bitching about his super boss with another FBI agent who he was probably sleeping with. They sent salacious gossip that you wouldn’t believe, I imagine. Full of those sexy law enforcement acronyms and all that. In the course of an inspector general’s reports, these text messages were revealed to their public in all their banal glory. And it was then that Fox News finally discovered the thing they could babble endlessly about for the next several months.

Case in point, courtesy of Russian propaganda outlet Natural News

You see, this one fella, who was no longer in charge of anything, he was privately mad at his boss. So he must be a Conflicted Democrat or a Based Librul. Could it be possible that he just disagrees with his bosses politics but would not allow it to affect his judgment, as he had for the 22 years of FBI service before these events? Not bloody likely!

Behind this fig leaf could Fox News hide their flaming hatred for anyone questioning Donald Trump’s ultimate authority as the one true Christian messenger of God’s good news. And they would proceed to do so, mostly because they couldn’t come up with any other criticism that even smelled like it had been within a valid critique in the last five years.

So he was busted down to the human resources office for a while. And then they decided that he would be suspended without pay for 60 days. And then, after that, the FBI Deputy Director stepped in to fire Strzok good and proper. Trump, characteristically, took to Twitter to crow over the good news.

Of course, firing him does little good at this point. Fox News and Trump will endlessly prattle about how the investigation was started by a biased, lunatic traitor who’d flung himself so far off the range he was in Injun Territory. See, Trump just wants to fight back against this investigation. Just like normal people do, by flexing on the entire country’s Justice system. That’s all!

The FBI could parade Strzok out, tar and feather him, and then shoot him in the public square, and it would not be enough to silence Fox News’ criticisms. After all, the best that Trump, chief insulter, can gin up is “witch hunt,” a phrase so void of potency that witches aren’t even scared by it anymore.


Alex Fox


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