Speaking to a group of diplomats on Sunday, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani directly addressed the increasing tensions between his home nation and American blowhard-in-charge Donald Trump. Ever since the president exited the Iran Deal because there were too many big words, Iran has faced increasing difficulties on the International stage.
Never one to be cowed by hardship, however, Hassan Rouhani maintained that his nation would remain strong in the face of adversity. In so doing, Rouhani also opened the window for renewed friendship with the US should Trump finally get put on the right meds. Unfortunately, Rouhani chose his words poorly.
“America should know that peace with Iran is the mother of all peace, and war with Iran is the mother of all wars,” he said.
Unfortunately for the Iranian President, our head guy is wildly insecure about the size of his … defensive capabilities. Just look how much he’s compensating for it with the military budget. So, our small-handed leader heard the remark and — as he is wont to do — forgot pretty much all of it but the word “war.”
Rouhani couldn’t possibly be using an oratory device. Even if Rouhani was (or even if the president didn’t think “oratory” was something you had to beg Melania for), in Trump’s mind it didn’t matter. Some brown person said “war” and “United States” in the same sentence.
So, it was only natural that Donald Trump would immediately take to Twitter and threaten caution … in all caps.
It was, objectively, a very dumb thing to do.
Considering that on Thursday, Major General Qassem Soleimani threatened to “destroy all that [Trump possesses]” should the United States assault Iran, it was also a terrifying thing to do. That one offended general aside, Iranians have been pretty cool about, you know, being threatened with obliteration.
Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif even took the time to violently assault Trump’s intelligence using only his words.
COLOR US UNIMPRESSED: The world heard even harsher bluster a few months ago. And Iranians have heard them —albeit more civilized ones—for 40 yrs. We’ve been around for millennia & seen fall of empires, incl our own, which lasted more than the life of some countries. BE CAUTIOUS!
— Javad Zarif (@JZarif) July 23, 2018
All in all, it’s not Donald Trump’s shining Twitter moment. Yet, the president says a lot (A. LOT.) of really dim-witted stuff on Twitter. Surely an ALL CAPS threat of historically devastating warfare can’t be the stupidest. Let’s go to the record!
The World’s Saddest True Statement
All the way back in 2012, Donald Trump was watching with growing horror. As Barack Obama swept into office for a second term, Trump couldn’t keep his trap shut.
Of course, this tweet has ripened with age. When it was originally published, it didn’t seem like anything more than dull and aggressive (and maybe a touch racist). In 2018, under an administration that won despite losing the popular vote, it almost seems like accidental prophecy.
Men Are Primates Who Can’t Control Themselves, Why Try to Change That?
Responding to the concern that sexual assault is running rampant in the United States military, one might have expected the president to return fire with harsh words for a system that’s failing the women who serve the United States. Either that or he could dismiss the whole issue with some flippant assholery.
Sure, when they live and work side by side men just have to rape women, don’t they? It’s not like they’re living under the EXACT same circumstances that they have every day before they entered the military. It’s not important to chide the criminals or push for reform in the military justice system (which sucks). No, let’s take away the ladies because, frankly, boys will be boys.
No Aviation Deaths! Booyah!
In January, Trump was proud to take all the credit for aircraft safety in 2017, proclaiming that thanks to his policies there were zero deaths on commercial airlines. Because before Trump, flying on an airline was like navigating Thunderdome. Forget the fact that nobody has died on a commercial flight in almost five years; Trump is the man who made airline safety possible.
It’s pretty stupid, but it’s not threatening a notoriously jumpy foreign power.
This Is Trump Threatening a Notoriously Jumpy Foreign Power
Things might have been smoothed out between Trump and North Korean meatball Kim Jong Un, but things were looking pretty tense there for a bit. It didn’t help matters that Trump actually responded to Kim Jong Un’s semi-annual “I have nukes” rant.
Yes, okay, this is admittedly awful (and wildly dangerous), buuuuuuuut … it also gifted us that sweet moment when Kim Jong Un called Donald Trump a, “mentally deranged U.S. dotard.” So, that was special.
Defender of the Broads
While he was running his campaign, Trump took several potshots at Crooked Hillary Clinton and her philandering husband, Bill. Take, for instance, this gem:
That much is true. Bill Clinton has done sexism in the past. But such accusations thrown out by Ol’ Trumpy are extra oblivious. Keep in mind, the guy has also called Ariana Huffington “unattractive both inside and out” …
… he’s (sort of) called Megyn Kelly a “bimbo” …
… and even though he didn’t tweet it, there was that one little thing about how he said, with some women, sometimes it’s cool to grab them by the … wait, how’d that one go?
Trump’s Stupidity Is Subjective
Lost in the shuffle of all this talk of a nuclear apocalypse is the Iran Deal. Not the one that Trump backed out of because the Obama administration partially orchestrated it, a new one. One that the president says will be better for Iran in the long run. And that must be true because he is a great deal maker …
Trump introduced the idea in May, but he’s kept mostly quiet about it since (because it didn’t play well with the people who are sipping the xenophobic GOP Kool-Aid). On Tuesday, however, Trump pivoted away from death threats to resurrect the notion of a new deal. Addressing the VFW in Kansas City (for some reason) Trump said, “I withdrew the United States from the horrible one-sided Iran nuclear deal, and Iran is not the same country anymore. We’re ready to make a deal.”
Sure, that might sound like a dude who regrets breaking up with somebody (and then posting revenge nudes to 4chan) just trying to get back in good, but … oh, no wait, that’s precisely what it is.
It would appear that the ferocity of the Iranian response to Trump’s stupidity might have forced the president into fast-tracking another Iran Deal. So, do the ends justify the means when it comes to measuring Trump’s worst Twitter offenses?
Absolutely not. This was terrible. Dumbest Tweet Ever.