The first year-and-a-half of Donald Trump’s presidency has been a hotbed of scandals, temper tantrums, immorality, and international embarrassment. We’ve seen children kidnapped by government mandate, a sexual predator endorsed for public office, Nazis defended as “very fine people,” over 3,000 lies made on the record, Russian collusion, a porn star paid to be silent, etc. And we’re not even at the halfway point! More is added to the list every single day.
Pondering what bonkers thing he’ll do next keeps many an American awake at night. As always, we’re here to help. In no way do we guarantee that the following predictions WILL happen. But given what he’s done so far… there’s every chance.
1. Trump will introduce a bill that does away with term limits.
Still thinking back fondly on his time with Chinese President Xi, President Trump pushes a bill to Congress that proposes ending term limits. Under this law, any politician in any position would be legally allowed to keep running for office (and potentially stay in office) until the day they die. Secretly, he sees this as the second step toward establishing a lifelong dictatorship. (Step One will be his over-the-top, stupidly expensive military parade.)
Most of his loyal Republican allies vote to approve the bill.
2. Trump will order Air Force One repainted.
Instead of the traditional blue-and-white, Trump decides to double down on the patriotism angle by having Air Force One completely repainted using a blazingly loud red, white, and blue color scheme. In a typical show of self-aggrandizing obliviousness, he tops it with a wide stripe of his favorite color: gold. This gives the aircraft the unfortunate impression of mimicking the president’s hair color.
The press dubs the plane “Hair Force One.” Trump blames the whole thing on the Democrats.
3. The United States will go to war with… someone.
I have this theory that somebody gave Trump a list of everything he’s allowed to do under Presidential powers. Because it seems like he’s not going to be satisfied until he uses every last one of them; he’s already pardoned criminals, issued executive orders out the wazoo, ordered the creation of a new division of the armed forces, and much more.
Trump wakes up one day to realize the clock is ticking and he hasn’t declared war on anyone yet. He hops on Twitter and heightens the prickly relations the U.S. already has with a foreign power (like Iran) until he has a reason to launch military action against them. He relishes the moment, and later claims that his live address from the Oval Office was the “highest rated declaration of war EVER.”
4. Trump will name himself America’s spiritual leader.
Riding high on the free pass and blind adoration he paradoxically receives from evangelical Christians, Trump decides he’s “kind of already” the de facto spiritual figurehead of the United States of America. Unable to come up with a better title, in one of his worst tone-deaf moments ever, he tells the nation that he’s “pretty much like, the American Pope.”
Evangelical leaders who support Trump like Robert Jeffress, Franklin Graham, James Dobson, Jerry Falwell Jr., and others stop short of endorsing this title. But they also don’t dispute it.
5. Canada and Mexico will attempt to secede from North America.
Tired of Trump’s endless self-promotion at the expense of damaging other nations, new Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador works closely with Canadian President Justin Trudeau to have their nations officially recognized by the United Nations as no longer being part of North America, despite geography.
Publicly, the U.S.’s closest neighbors try to pull out from under the “North America” umbrella as a protest against Trump’s volatile trade, immigration, and environmental policies. But it’s rumored that in private, Trudeau and López Obrador told confidants they “just don’t want anything to do with that orange psychopath.”
6. Trump will have another extramarital affair.
Frustrated from the constant media attacks, outraged that his incessant attempts to create facts by willing them to be true isn’t working, and tired of Melania’s Gaze of Evil Death, Trump has an affair to work off his aggression and anxiety. It could be with anyone — a White House staff member, a business partner, or maybe a high-end prostitute.
The press finds out and throws a party. The far right media labels it a “fake conspiracy smear campaign,” born out of jealousy and hatred. The majority of Trump’s followers believe every word of this.
7. Ground will finally be broken on the border wall.
After years of trying to find a way to finance his wall on the Mexican border, Trump at last finds a way to make it happen — mostly thanks to threats and petty bribery. Building is briefly stalled by logistical concerns, and the press dubs it “America’s Wailing Wall.” But Trump ignores all of the warnings and signs an executive order forcing construction to commence. At the same time, border patrol officers are dismayed to hear reports of dozens of small tunnels already being dug several meters beneath the wall’s construction zones.
But even the President’s supporters are surprised when they see the “TRUMP” brand logo emblazoned on the wall every 500 feet in big, gold letters. That’s only on the American side, though. On the other side are flashing neon lights in the shape of the words “KEEP OUT.”
8. Trump will attempt to restrict the First Amendment.
Preferring a media that caters to his ego the way Fox News, Breitbart, Drudge, and others on the far right do, the president sends an audacious bill to Congress that would clamp down on the First Amendment, aka the freedom of the press. It’s one of the foundational pillars of our entire government (it’s the FIRST Amendment!) but Trump hates it, so it’s got to go. This is framed inside a proposal to make flag burning illegal again — something he has already said should cause a person to lose their American citizenship — but fine details in the small print suggest making it against the law for anyone to slander or libel the office of the President, among other things.
Public outrage falls swiftly, with many hoping this is what will finally bring formal charges of impeachment against Trump. Many of his supporters love the bill, as they can’t handle anyone suggesting that the President is anything but a haloed archangel descended from a magical rainbow of strength. But others finally begin to have their eyes opened and see just how low this man is willing to go.
Rank-and-file Republicans in Congress fall in line behind the bill, but just enough of them listen to the court of public opinion, and the bill fails to gather enough votes. Trump vows revenge, saying he hated the first bill anyway and promises a “new bill, a better bill, the best bill ever written!”
9. The rights of Muslims will be obstructed.
The President’s Islamophobia reaches a fever pitch when his ban on immigrants from Muslim countries is overturned by the courts. Coming down hard, he proposes severe restrictions on the rights of Muslims already living in the United States.
The building of new mosques in America will have to be approved by the federal government on a case-by-case basis, the process of which is guaranteed to get buried in red tape for years at a time. Muslim citizens applying for jobs will be required to submit to lie detector tests and extensive background checks. And the driving or piloting of any and all vehicles by Muslims will be outlawed entirely, out of “concerns about 9/11-style attacks at a local level.” Likewise, Muslims are not allowed to own guns, and it’s not long before there’s talk of revoking a Muslim’s right to vote.
10. A passing asteroid will become an international incident.
When an asteroid barely avoids hitting Earth, citizens around the world are relieved that an extinction-level event is narrowly averted. It’s the closest call the world has had to a genuine, massive-scale impact since the time of the dinosaurs.
Sensing an opportunity to distract from the Mueller investigation and other unwelcome topics, Trump “reveals” that he’s seen classified intelligence reports claiming that the asteroid was part of a liberal plot to end his presidency. He stuns the world by tweeting, “Just heard that the asteroid — which was attempting illegal entry into the U.S. — came from hater Dems colluding with loser aliens! SAD!”
At a campaign speech a week after the near-impact, Trump announces to his supporters that he’s going to have the Space Force build a wall around the Earth that will protect us from illegal asteroids. “When the Democrats send down these asteroids, they’re not sending the best ones,” he says. “Their asteroids are on fire, they’ve got radiation, they’re sharp and pointy…
“And they’re rapists. They’re all rapists, folks, believe me.”