Donald Trump might be laughing at the thought of climate change now, but it’s only a matter of time before that mindset bites him in the ass. Bites all of us in the ass. Instead of waiting around for the world to implode, perhaps we can come up with a way to trick him into believing it’s real. By appealing to his vanity, perhaps we can convince Trump that climate change is a real thing. Here are some things that might work:
Lower The Air Conditioning In The White House
Significantly lowering the AC in the White House and telling Trump it’s on as high as possible will definitely cause him to throw a fit. First, he’ll blame the “losers” who work for him and demand that they check the air conditioning settings numerous times. Since he’s a lazy prick, he’ll never actually get up from behind his desk to check for himself. The next thing he’ll do is request that a maintenance man comes to look at the AC system. Yes, maintenance MAN. Not a woman. Trump would never trust a woman with something so important. Eventually, as long as everyone plays along, Trump will be forced to contemplate the scientific evidence behind climate change as he melts away in the Oval Office.
Have Trump’s Hair Stylist Mess With His Hair
If we could get Trump’s hair stylist to somehow ensure his hair is always dry and frizzy, and then blame it on the weather, we just might be able to pull this off. We all know that humidity makes our hair impossible to style, regardless of it being naturally grown or manually implanted. Once Trump experiences a few weeks of the media ripping him apart over his hair looking even worse (if you can imagine that) he’ll go into action. First, he’ll demand a new hair stylist. This new employee must also be in on the scheme. After the president goes through three or four more stylists and realizes his hair isn’t getting any better, he’ll either buzz it all off or start to think these scientists know what they’re talking about.
Turn Up The Heat On Trump’s Tanning Bed
Imagine Trump’s face when he comes in from a day outside and sees that he’s burnt to a crisp. Then imagine how insane he’ll go when he can’t step outside without getting a sunburn. Doctors will call him crazy, and Melania might insist that he start wearing sunblock, but Trump is far too vain to give up his tanning bed. Even if he does decide to skip his tanning sessions for a few days, swapping his sunscreen with tanning oil would solve that problem rather quickly. Remember, this is all for the sake of the earth. You know, the one we all live on and would like our grandchildren to grow old on.
Bring Trump To Venice And Tell Him It’s Long Island
A large part of climate change is heavy rains and rising sea levels. By taking Trump to Venice, a city that is sinking, and dressing it up as Long Island, he might actually start to care. While these effects of climate change are decades away, our dear president’s puny brain can’t possibly think so far into the future. If we get him to believe that some of these effects are happening now, especially so close to the city he calls home, our wee planet just might have a chance. Venice is made of so many islands, it would be pretty easy to transform one into Hollywood’s version of Long Island. We’d just have to hire a bunch of actors who can play a bunch of white, rich snobs that typically inhabit that area of New York to run around in distress as if their homes were sinking.
Start Small Fires On Trump’s Properties
Climate change means an increase in wildfires. While that’s likely not going to start happening tomorrow, what if it did? By starting small fires on Trump’s properties and blaming them on climate change, the president might think twice about his stance on the issue. We have to hit Trump Towers, Mar-a-Lago, Trump International Hotels, as well as all of his golf courses and other resorts. A real fire doesn’t even have to be started if they have a decent graphic designer on staff. Once Trump starts to calculate the damage, or likely hire someone to calculate it for him, he’ll suddenly have a bad taste in his mouth when it comes to wildfires. He’ll be changing his tune on climate change before we know it!
Tell Trump His Secret Bunker Can’t Withstand Harsh Weather
We all know that the president of the United States has always had a secret bunker that would keep him safe during an invasion or bombing. Labeled the Presidential Emergency Operations Center, it can be found underground in the basement of the East Wing, a place Trump likely knows by heart. If we told Trump that his safety bunker is only built to withstand an attack and not natural disasters like flooding and earthquakes, he just might think twice about calling climate change fake news. There he is, assuming he’s safe as anyone could be just yards away from his very own panic room, and then he finds out that he’s not as safe as he thought he was. This kind of information might just be enough to get Trump to imagine himself drowning in a room slowly filling with water in which he will die being known as the worst U.S. president in history. Something like that might convince him to get his act together and change his position on climate change.
Tell Him Hunting Will No Longer Be Possible
Climate change isn’t just a people problem as it will have a negative effect on our forest friends as well. More and more animals will be put on the endangered list until they eventually become extinct. Likely by then, we’ll be extinct ourselves, but fortunately, Trump is quite dense. If we tell him that these animals are in danger of being wiped out NOW and that he and his ogre-looking sons could no longer go hunting if something doesn’t change, you bet your ass he’ll start listening to the scientists who’ve been preaching climate change for years.
So, can we do it? Yes, we can!