It’s not the totalitarian governments of the world that we must fear. It is not communists, nor authoritarians, nor dictators, nor warlords, but the democratically elected leaders of our long-term allies. It’s France, it’s Germany, it’s England that are the true threat. But the most creeping danger, the sharpest dagger poised to plunge into the breast of our national liberty, is Canada.
Canada: poised dark and brooding in the most boring part of the world.
Canada: it was definitely them that burned the White House.
Canada: the by-word for politeness.
Shudder in fear at each “aboot,” each “eh, lest it reaches your door!
On The Twisted National Character of the Canadians, or the Impossibility of True “Kindness”
In the darkest lunatic corner of Justin Trudeau’s mind lurks the next great danger to the American heartland. Too handsome to be trusted, too charismatic to be believed. Surely he has shaken hands with the devil to obtain such bewitching charm. Only our cranky, hideous president is a true representation of the reality of the world. Kindness is a myth, and only stupid brutality will lead our nation to great heights.
Canadians, each one more oily and duplicitous than the last, will never play fair with honest, open-hearted Americans. It is Americans who seek only to accept those of all colors and creeds into their prosperous homeland without imprisoning their children while Canada attempts to blind Americans to the Right Thinking Capitalistic Approach with socialistic specters, Potemkin villages of free, accessible healthcare, strong labor protections, and respectful discourse between rivals. It people can’t afford healthcare, they should just die, like Americans! If people disagree about anything, they should seethe unproductively or else beat each other to a pulp with their fists! That is the true order, the natural way of the world. The civilized Canadian’s discard our animal nature, they reject our kill-or-be-killed reality, replacing it with kindness and hospitality that are a transparent cover for their dark, malignant machinations they bury below.
Be not deceived! Canadians could lurk even among your closest friends. And not till the dead of night, when you hear the cheerful cry of “Let’s get Timmy’s, eh?”, will you know your fate is sealed, your doom a black as the darkest of Canadian midwinter nights.
It is the monstrous climate that twists the Canadian mind so. The howling snow and wild bears drive men to the brink of madness and beyond, imagining eldritch horrors more stomach-turning than the last as they sit cozily before their fireplaces wrapped in animal furs. In each nod to a neighbor, each kind word to a passing fellow, their insanity deepens, drawing them closer to the void. Until finally, they snap: soon, the attempt to push their kindly, respectful ways upon innocent Americans like your wife and child. They attempt to teach values of respect and compassion to our most vulnerable minds, planting their devilish, poisonous seeds in minds too young to reject them for the vile ichor they are.
America Is Too Strong for Kindness and Cooperation!
Kindness and respect, it is well known, line the path of successful working relationships and reliable partnerships. But America, she is not so weak! The alpha wolf does not ask politely if it may kill the deer, but seizes the creature in its jaws viciously! We should be like wolves, because that enology absolute cleanly applies to humans and has never been debunked as an artifact of captive wolf behavior. It sounds so good, after all, you Dumb Beta Cuck™!
She does not seek to walk hand in hand with allies! Let her fists of fervor demolish relationships for capricious reasons! She does not deign to trade with allies, as the structure of our globalized marketplace and existing trade agreements both demand and encourage, but instead will produce literally everything she needs on her own with her absolutely not rusted out factories and absolutely not heroin and meth-addicted factory workers. We seek not to stand on the shoulders of friends, but on their corpses. We are mightier than all simply because we say we are, and that’s all it takes! Our Twitter posts shall be our bombs and our memes shall be our missiles as we demolish the existing world order in favor of one where a lone America will definitely be at the top of the heap. She must, because that’s what we’ve decided!
When Canada Is Crushed, We Shall Seize the Syrup!
And when the time comes to destroy Canada, we shall. When NAFTA is in ashes, when free movement across the border is frozen, when American seniors can no longer group together in foul-smelling buses with overstressed bathroom facilities to buy affordable medication that their insurance won’t cover so they can prolong their lives, then shall we crush the Canadian’s beneath our lonely heal. Strong like the lone eagle, we will strike with needless destruction and only moderate planning.
And after the nation is ash, we will seize their greatest treasure. We shall finally control the Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve, a Absolutely Real Thing™ that exists for the surprisingly boring reasons of stabilizing supply and protecting against a poor harvest season. No longer will Canadians artificially drive up the price of maple syrup to support a major part of their economy and national heritage. Syrup shall plunge to record lows, and when the hoarding passes and shelves are empty, there will never be any syrup again!
All the Canadians are dead, you see, and we forgot to ask them how to milk the tree for their diabetes blood.
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