The rumors are true. Women are running for offices all over the country, and men are terrified that they’ll lose their hardly-deserved positions at the top. And to someone with lady parts, gasp! While the goons in politics will never admit it, these sudden revelations women are having that are leading them to swap professions was undoubtedly inspired by Donald Trump’s epic words of wisdom. Whether it was the comment he said about grabbing a lady’s nether regions or the one where he referred to the women in his life as a “piece of ass,” females have had enough. We’re making our voices heard, whether it’s by picketing, writing, or running for office. Feminists are taking a stand and putting the fear of God into men by running for office. Here’s what they’re so afraid of:
They’ll Have To Stop Taxing Tampons
Thirty-eight states still tax pads and tampons, as they don’t deem them necessary purchases. Apparently, women can choose whether or not our uterine lining sheds each month. Who knew!? Of the 12 states that don’t tax these particular feminine hygiene products, only seven do so because they’re considered unavoidable purchases. The other five actually don’t have sales tax on anything. Having a few more ladies in Congress will likely sway the taxation vote in our favor. Either that or women will just start free-bleeding in protest and see how the world likes using public transportation over the next few months.
All Locker Room Talk Will Have To Stop
What men call “locker room talk” women call “misogyny,” “degrading,” “sexual harassment,” “gloating about sexual assault,” and “disgusting.” The president might find these kinds of conversations acceptable while he’s on the job, but women entering the political world will certainly not stand for such things. Especially in a professional setting. What used to be a boys club is now being infiltrated by the ladies, and according to the men currently in office, they’re the worst kinds of women. FEMINISTS! They’re living in fear that they’ll actually have to treat their female colleagues with respect and equality, something so terrifying that we’ll likely see many early retirements over the next few years.
Reasonable Maternity Leave Will Be Required
With women running the country, we’ll likely see a drastic improvement in laws regarding maternity leave. As one of the last civilized nations without paid maternity leave, it’s definitely time for an upgrade. In America, giving birth is practically a death sentence for women’s careers. They’re either forced to take what little paid time off that they get and go back to work before they’re ready, or they end up taking that paid time off and leaving the company altogether. This allows men to move up in the company, taking their place because no one wants to replace a woman who left after having a child with another fertile woman. With women in charge, our country would finally be able to catch up with the rest of the world on this matter, and men would no longer be able to move up simply because they weren’t born with a uterus.
The World Will Discover That Women Are More Intelligent
Men always have to be the smartest. They need to be the ones coming up with all the big ideas, making all the sales, and earning the most money. When men compete with each other, they aim for greatness. However, when they compete with women, suddenly their egos get bruised if they don’t come out on top. Having more women in government will give them a run for their money, so instead of facing this challenge head-on, men are whining about their jobs being taken by a female because they’re afraid of being outdone. Women have always been considered less intelligent than men. We can’t drive. We can’t work in science. We’re ditzy and blonde and like to read books without pictures. What they’re most afraid of though, is our emotions.
Wars Will Be Caused By PMS
Women may bleed for five days a month, but there’s no doubt that we are more naturally level-headed than those of the male species. Without men, wars wouldn’t even exist. Yet somehow females have gotten the reputation for being crazy and irrational once that time of the month comes around. Obviously, us ladies have gone along with this exaggeration as it’s an easy go-to excuse for those times we get irritated with our dudes, but it’s far from reality. PMS is different for each and every one of us, and even when our emotions get the best of us, some chocolate and a glass of wine will have us back at it in no time.
Birth Control Will Be As Accessible As Condoms
Imagine a world where you can walk into the local pharmacy and find a variety of birth control brands right there in the aisle next to the condoms and the lube. Or even better, a world where men have to go to the doctor every few months for male birth control and sit in a waiting room for over an hour just to see the specialist for five minutes. Then, of course, if that were to be a thing, then birth control would be available without a prescription in every convenience store and free clinic. Men are more than happy when women are in control of all of the nonbaby-making procedures, but having control over an actual state or city is considered crossing the line.
Women Will Rule The World
Men are terrified of the possibility of women ruling the world because that would mean their time as royalty is up. They’re afraid of becoming second-class citizens, as all they know is how to do is make others second-class citizens. I hate to disappoint you fellas, but women don’t want to take over the world. Especially after everything men have done to destroy it, it kind of seems like it would be a lot of work to turn things around at this point. You can deal with that. We just want equality, a word you’re likely unfamiliar with, especially if you’re white. Women are running for office and there’s nothing you can do to stop them.
Author: Rose Burke
Freelance writer and art enthusiast, Rose Burke, often writes humorous essays inspired by awkward dating experiences and life’s cruel sense of humor. When she’s not doing that, she’s typically writing entertainment articles on women’s issues, politics, feminism, and other trending topics her readers love.
Her work has been published in The Southampton Review, The Conium Review, The Richest, The Independent, CINEMABLEND, and more. Author of the popular feminist blog series “Writings of the Satirical Feminista”, Rose is currently focusing on a collection of humorous personal essays while she travels the world.