For eight long years, the United States of America labored under the oppressive Obama regime and his quest to ruin the glorious beauty of our nation. Fortunately, though, a group of concerned geriatrics, racists, and mental patients banded together with the state of Florida to elect a proud new leader, Donald Trump.
In his post as Number One Gunna, Trump isn’t afraid to golf his way through crises or threaten foreign countries with missile attacks like back when we were awesome. The World’s Most Orange President is also unafraid to expose corruption wherever he finds it.
Forget about Russian collus-ee-whatsits. That’s a leftist conspiracy designed to take down a man who, outside of the whole collusion nonsense, has a spotless record of honesty and humanitarianism. The worst part is that Trump has seen some of his key allies, real pillars of the community, taken down by this same liberal attack. Not for long, however, as the Republican Party is drafting a host of white male GOP candidates who are rising from the ashes like conservative phoenixes.
They will not be denied. Provided this cabal of concerned citizens pays homage to the man in the Oval Office.
Michael Grimm Will Break Congress in Half. Like a Boy
All the way back in 2014, when he was serving as New York’s Republican Representative, Michael Grimm found himself staring down the barrel of 20 federal charges including fraud, federal tax evasion, and perjury. In spite of the mountains of evidence, Grimm called the whole thing a “witch hunt.” That must be the case, because the Congressman managed to whittle those charges down to one felonious guilty plea along with a written admission that he had lied under oath, committed wire fraud, and hired undocumented workers.
In the midst of the scandal, Grimm also physically threatened NY1 reporter Michael Scotto by politely offering to break him in half, “Like a boy.”
It was a return to the gentlemanly politics of the Colonial era, but Grimm was still run out of office (so he could serve his prison sentence. Now, after eight months in federal incarceration, Grimm is back on the campaign trail and holding a 10-point lead over his Republican challenger, Dan Donovan.
And how does Grimm respond to questions about his criminal past in spite of Donovan’s repeated attempts to bring it bubbling to the surface? By blaming it on Obama. The former representative explains, “It’s almost identical to what the president has been going through. It’s not an accident that under the Obama administration, the Justice Department was used politically. And that is all starting to come out.”
Don’t try to Google the government’s recently uncovered Democratic conspiracy. Just head straight to Alex Jone’s website and start browsing for the “truth.”
Joe Arpaio NEEDS to Arrest Brown People
For twenty-four years, the people of Maricopa County, Arizona lived under the watchful eye of the “Toughest Sheriff in America,” Joe Arpaio. Over the course of his tenure, Arpaio made great strides in prisoner rehabilitation. Like the time he erected — and then bragged about creating a tent city that resembled in the sheriff’s words, “a concentration camp.”
At one point, the collection of 82 Korean War-era tents held as many as 1,700 people crowded together in temperatures that hit triple digits on a regular basis. Sure, Amnesty International called the situation “inhumane,” but I bet none of those criminals ever wanted to commit a crime again, and that result entirely justifies forcing a human being to live in squalor.
Later in his career, Arpaio was hit with a contempt of court charge. Specifically, he was charged with violating a court order that forbid him from “targeting illegal immigrants without reasonable suspicion.” Arpaio was so busy arresting brown people when he was sheriff that his office failed to investigate several hundred sex crimes.
Following a pardon from President Trump (because who cares about illegal immigrants? They don’t vote.), Arpaio is ready to become a Senator in Arizona. Even better, he’s got the backing of the White House. In early May, Vice President Mike Pence praised the GOP candidate, calling, “A great friend of this president, a tireless champion of strong borders and the rule of law.”
Pence got one out of two right. If Arpaio could, he’d put a border wall up brick by brick. Well, more accurately, he’d illegally arrest a bunch of immigrants and have them do it.
Blankenship Wilts Outside the Warm Glow of Trump
For nearly a decade, Don Blankenship was the CEO of one of the world’s largest coal mining companies. Then, he was indicted by evil liberals just because he, “orchestrated the routine violation of key federal mine safety rules.” And so what if that negligence led to the worst mining disaster in a generation?
None of that stuff seemed to matter when Blankenship mounted a campaign against two other GOP candidates to take a West Virginia Senate seat. And why not? When Blankenship dropped an ad accusing Mitch McConnell of accepting tens of millions of dollars from “China people,” he seemed like a social justice warrior lifting the veil on corruption.
That, dear readers, is a man of immense charisma.
When the liberal mainstream media focused in on Blankenship’s use of the term, “China person,” the Senatorial hopeful defended himself with aplomb when he argued, “races are Negro, white Caucasian, Hispanic, Asian. There’s no mention of race. I’ve never used a race word.”
Let’s move past the fact that Blankenship used a “race word” while he was in the middle of claiming he’d never used a “race word,” to point out that none of this behavior mattered to the people of West Virginia. They seemed to love the candidate who claimed he was “Trumpier than Trump.”
Then, a few days later, The All-Father Descended From on High and spake thusly via his preferred means of communication: Tweeting while on the toilet.
That was all it took for this once great miner-murdering racist to go down in flames. When the primary vote was in, Blankenship found his Senate chances dead in the water.
Pay Tribute and Seem Like a Winner
In the political arena of the United States, GOP candidates have discovered a two-fold path to victory: get in line with Trump and exude success. That’s all it takes. You don’t even need to be genuinely successful as long as Mr. Trump likes you.
For example, the ten-point lead that Michael Grimm reported was immediately called out as crap, but that hardly matters. Grimm has spent his entire political career convincing voters to believe his version of the truth. He’s gotten good at it. Poll results are whatever he wants them to be.
The only real threat to these Trumpians (besides an active and informed voting public) is the appearance of failure. When Don Blankenship conceded defeat, he laid the blame squarely at the feet of the President, saying that his faltering support turned West Virginia voters away from the GOP candidate.
In the Trump administration, the past means nothing. Actions and statements mean next-to-nothing. Just say you love the boss and try to look like a winner. How can those not be the twin foundations of any Great Country?