We should have seen it coming. In response to our government’s flat-out denial of providing aid after Hurricane Maria, Puerto Rico has devised a revenge plan that is so heinous that even Republicans will start to wish they hadn’t voted for our leader in orange. They’ve officially stopped selling alcohol to any American tourists coming from the states. That’s right folks. No beer. No liquor. No wine. And that’s just the beginning! There’s far more to their revenge scheme for the hurricane relief debacle. Here’s a look at what they have planned for the future if our government doesn’t help them out:
Resorts Will Double In Price
If your credit card’s billing zip code is anywhere in the states, you can expect to pay far more for your next hotel stay than say someone traveling from Canada. A super credible source says that Puerto Rican officials decided to do this as a way to discourage selfish Americans from vacationing on their beautiful island as well as to free up rooms for more considerate guests from the UK. Hotel and resort owners are all for this plan and will be using any additional money they make from American tourists to assist with relief efforts.
Bad Bunny Won’t Sell You Concert Tickets
Up and coming music legend, Bad Bunny, has decided that he will no longer be selling concert tickets to American citizens on the mainland. He plans to do this by making all of his concert announcements in Spanish, knowing that most Americans are too lazy to translate. Additionally, he refuses to tour in the mainland until his hometown of Vega Baja is back up and running with electricity and clean water, disappointing thousands of fans across the country. The Puerto Rican rapper-singer has collaborated with some of today’s hottest artists including Enrique Iglesias, Becky G, Nicki Minaj, and Drake so even if you haven’t heard his name yet, you will.
Bacardi Rum Will No Longer Be Available On The Mainland
Bacardi plans to shut down their distillery and put a stop to all sales of their products until further notice. A sort-of official from their company made a statement about their plans to reopen their doors once the island receives even an ounce of assistance from those old white dudes on Capitol Hill. If you’re thinking, “Oh well, I don’t like rum anyway,” don’t forget that Bacardi has a slew of products that include Grey Goose vodka, Bombay Sapphire gin, Angel’s Envy bourbon and so much more. Not to mention that we won’t be seeing those wine coolers that everyone over the age of 52 seems to enjoy in stores for a while. Hope you like Budlight!
Airport Employees Are Going To Lose Your Luggage
Heading to Puerto Rico? Better bring a carry-on because airport employees are tossing your luggage in the ocean. Sick of being treated as second-class citizens without clean water and electricity while tourists from the mainland come to their island and get first dibs on their much-needed resources, flight attendants and baggage claim employees are joining together to make your trip miserable. If your suitcase ends up lost on your way to San Juan, don’t expect to ever see it again. Kiss those $1 Old Navy flipflops you packed goodbye!
Cleaning Staff Will Mess With Your Toiletries
If paying extra for your resort stay is no big deal, you should probably bring your own soaps. And towels. And sheets, just to be safe. Housekeeping staffs all over the island are rumored to be trying those old college roommate tricks on annoying Americans staying in the hotels they work in. You know the ones where they put Nair in your shampoo bottle and itching powder in your sheets. They’re taking it much further though as one tourist was recently hospitalized after pepper spray was discovered in her perfume bottle. Others have reported finding baby powder in their hairdryers and plastic wrap covering their toilets.
Airbnb Will Forget To Mention Lack Of Electricity
If you’re thinking that you’ll be able to avoid paying resort rates and housekeeping pranks by staying in an Airbnb, well you’d be wrong. It seems that most current homes in Puerto Rico that are listed on Airbnb have failed to mention the fact that they are without electricity, according to a member of their customer service team who has received dozens of complaints. While the oblivious tourists felt they had every right to a refund, the response from listing owners has been a united “DUH” as anyone not living under a rock would know that this is the condition Puerto Rico remains in months after they were hit by Hurricane Maria. Airbnb has chosen to stand by the listing owners, telling complaining tourists to read a damn newspaper once in a while.
Single Puerto Ricans Will Leave Tinder
As a form of protest, single ladies and gents of Puerto Rico are putting down their phones and deleting their dating apps. That’s right. They’re not hooking up with anyone from the mainland anymore. Or, at least, until they’ve made their point. Puerto Rico is home to some of the most gorgeous men and women on the planet, and now, thanks to our darling government, we can kiss them all goodbye. This doesn’t just include hotties on the island, as it has spread to the mainland as well. So, if you’re one of the millions of Americans who are single and ready to mingle, unfortunately, you won’t find many Puerto Ricans on the other end of your phone for a while. (Sad face.)
Puerto Ricans Will Take Over The Mainland
So, while most of what I’ve written thus far has been fabricated, to say the least, this one’s actually true. After Hurricane Maria hit, many Puerto Ricans took shelter on the mainland, especially those who have family ties around the country. The island’s Governor Ricardo Rosselló saw this as a huge advantage and has started a nonprofit organization designed to assist displaced Puerto Ricans currently living in swing states with registering to vote. In Florida alone it’s estimated that 385,000 Puerto Ricans will be registered to vote by the end of the year, a number that can easily make a difference come time for next election. Talk about karma!