Oh My God, Did Trump Just Solve North Korea?

donald trump south korea north korea

Someone on this dumb earth thinks Donald Trump might deserve a Nobel Peace Prize. Thanks, North Korea.

I guess if Obama can get one for basically running an inspiring campaign and winning an election, the award might not have as much legitimacy as popular culture has led us to believe. But it would be just like this ironic ball of dirt to grant Donald J Trump, the stupidest president and meanest public figure, a prize dedicated to those who have worked throughout their lives for peace.

People like the Dahli Lama, Jimmy Carter and Mother Teresa: names synonymous with peacekeeping, compassion, and serenity. But then, the prize was also granted to the European Union for existing for a while before gradually disintegrating, and Mikhail Gorbachev for being the only one in the room bright enough to notice the sinking economic position of the doomed union he inherited. So maybe it’s not exactly a 100% hit ratio.

Did Donald Trump Solve The Most Pressing International Crisis of Our Time?

If so, I can only hope that it was in spite of his insanity, not because of it. And yet, a disturbing theory has refused to leave my troubled mind.

North Korea is long used to being the wildest player on the international stage. They know that they can basically act nuts for food and attention, inflating the importance of their two-bit economy into something other countries pay attention to. Instead of a country that no one can point to on a map, they get to be the focus of talks, summits, and DRAMA! Just like those basic bitches on your Facebook. And while this attention comes from infamy, it’s unlikely the Kim family—or Becky—cares that much.

But with the election of Donald Trump, North Korea suddenly had a problem with this strategy. When they poked the United States, the United States kinda poked back! And that’s a country with real guns and stuff!!

Normally, the U.S. would just ignore the ramblings of the insane, short, bowl-cut man in the corner. But Donald Trump is chemically incapable of ignoring anything. Even the slightest pinprick to his hermetically-sealed skin-bag will cause an intense and bewildering loss of hot air at high pressure, often with an accompanying twittering sound.

So North Korea now faces a question. If Kim Jong-un keeps acting insane, he might actually start a war that his country is incapable of winning. Despite his bluster, it’s doubtful that Kim Jong-un is really dumb enough AND insane enough to start a war with a nuclear power. He’d blow through the country’s nuclear arsenal in ten minutes, then get his country’s war-making capability carefully annihilated for his trouble. So it’s a lose-lose for all but the most suicidal dictator.

Why hasn’t this happened before? Well, normally the U.S. is led by a sober, mature, rational person. A person who won’t risk kicking off World War III and killing millions over perceived insults about his pecker by the mean man on the internet. So the Kim family could, historically, get away with causing a ruckus now and again without actually risking anything but international legitimacy.

Not anymore, baby! As we have all looked on in disbelieving horror, the United States has come firmly under the control of an incompetent Grandpa who calls into his favorite daytime talk show to have a head-scratching circular argument with the hosts for no less than 20 minutes. And that’s the person in charge of deciding whether or not to bomb North Korea.

A shocking bit of forward-thinking

Thanks to the U.S.’s new-found preturbedness, in perhaps an uncharacteristic fit of good sense, Kim Jung-un decided now might be the best time to end his country’s decades-long war with South Korea. After all, he never hoped to actually win his war. And if Kim comes to South Korea in a surprise move, he might hold a few more cards than expected in terms of negotiating power.

It’s also possible that our theory is insanely, wildly inaccurate. Perhaps we will soon hear that North Korea has recently suffered some sort of disaster that will require international assistance. Perhaps a famine that was worse than normal, a major disease, a tremendous industrial accident: something of the Chernobyl scale that would finally convince Kim that his nation’s position is built upon a foundation of Fruit Loops and Spaghetti-Os.

Until we figure out what actually caused this, we’ll all have to suffer Trump walking around like even more of a puffed up peacock. Although, one wonders: if a balloon is already over-infalted, what happens when you put even more hot air in?

Battle of the Crazies: Donald Trump vs. Kim Jong-Un


Alex Fox


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