Fracking Isn’t Harmful, It’s Just Another Russian Conspiracy

Nearly every single day, the media unveils some new twist and turn in the investigation of potential Russian meddling in the 2016 Presidential elections. Even as our noble lord and president works overtime to redirect the public’s attention — starting wars, getting sued, the usual — more and more time is being devoted to exposing the attempt to influence the United States’ electoral process. That’s a shame, too, because we’ve already gotten definitive proof that Russia did not meddle in the 2016 elections. Just ask the schmuck who won the Oval Office:

No, not that time; the time a few months earlier:

Still, the media simply won’t listen to reason. Meanwhile, a few class act GOP politicians are doing their part to shine a light on the real attack on our nation, the Russian fracking conspiracy.

According to some of Congress’ most mediocre politicians, the increasingly popular form of energy extraction isn’t a bad thing; it’s just the victim of Russian meddling. That theory makes total sense, too, because Russia apparently had the time on their hands since they weren’t busy meddling in the presidential election.

Open your eyes, people; the truth will make you want to bathe your children in an abandoned fracking well.

The Last American Hero Spills the Details

In July of 2017, the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology blew the lid off the Russian fracking conspiracy with a press release so titillating that no one bothered to read it.

According to Lamar Smith, the dusty old white guy in charge at the SST, when it came to fracking, Russia didn’t stop at mean-spirited ad campaigns on Facebook. No, Putin’s people spent millions (funneled through shell corporations in Bermuda, naturally) to fuel anti-fracking sentiment in America. His claims were even backed up by such notable and specific sources as “one NATO official,” so you know it’s legit.


Even if there wasn’t any proof (and there’s not, really), you know Smith is right on the money. After all, Russia likes selling gas, too, and covertly “fueling American furor” over some such thing is absolutely in their wheelhouse — just not when it comes to elections. Fracking, yes. Elections, no.

In the months following Smith’s claims, it even turned up that a bunch of fake Russian-owned Twitter accounts actually did exist. What’s more, they spent a whopping four percent of their Twitter activity talking about environmental issues from both sides of the aisle. There’s no telling what they did with the other 96 percent of their time, but again, it was not “meddle in the presidential election.”

Anyway, sources say that 4 percent of the Russian’s Twitter time was spent on pro- and anti-climate change, pro- and anti-pipeline, and pro-and anti-fracking messages. So, clearly, a campaign based entirely on bashing fracking right at the top of Vladimir Putin’s to-do list.


If Not for Russia, We’d All Know the Truth

The most surprising thing about the Russian fracking conspiracy is the vast scope of the campaign. In addition to their exhaustive Twitter campaign, Russia must have also bought out pretty much every scientist on the planet (at least, the ones who haven’t already been bought by the oil and gas industry).

They’re all liars. Con artists bought and paid for by the Russian campaign to inflame the public’s hatred of a perfectly “safe”(ish) practice. Now, we have perfectly upstanding politicians like Senator Vicki Marble of Fort Collins, Colorado getting in trouble for spreading the “truth.”

Marble was found guilty of an ethics violation because she hosted a fracking-friendly event at which she called the above “science” total garbage and championed the real underdog, here, the poor people sitting on the board of a local oil and gas company.


Don’t Believe Fake Science, Trust Real Politicians

The war on fracking is one grand illusion. You’re being led to believe that people are upset about the health and environmental hazards of fracking, but those are just Russian-funded actors. Fracking itself isn’t even harmful. You’re just being misled by notoriously corrupt entities like Duke and Yale, so-called “universities” that are just puppets for Russian propaganda.

It makes total sense that the Russian strategy for undermining fracking would be to launch an impossibly complex project funneling millions of dollars into various environmental organizations who then carry out a protest-y land war against oil and gas operations. Even worse, Russia has somehow managed to buy off every almost every single major scientific organization and publication on the planet, in effect perpetrating the most effective cover-up in the history of civilization.

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Featured image: Joshua Doubek (talk | contribs)


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