In his battle with Trump, Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael Avenatti is so bored that’s he’s started to use the Wingdings font in all his court documents.
“I just need an extra challenge,” he said. “Taking down the President of the United States shouldn’t be this easy, you know?”
Last week, all of Avenatti’s baiting and maneuvering paid off, as Trump claimed he had no knowledge of the NDA his lawyer Michael Cohen signed on his behalf. In doing so, Trump surrendered all attorney-client privilege surrounding the NDA and the likely illegal payments pertaining to it. After all, there can’t be attorney-client privilege for something that doesn’t involve the client in the first place.
Following Trump’s statements, Avenatti issued a response in Wingdings. It had to be copied and pasted into a Word doc, then switched to Arial. The statement read: “lmao.”
Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems
When it came to the $130,000 payment made to silence Stormy Daniels, there was one crucial question: Where did the money come from? Trump, who has no wish to confirm that the affair ever happened, denies supplying the money. Thus, Michael Cohen claimed the money came from his own pocket. However, Cohen contributing that money in order to silence Stormy and protect a presidential candidate from scandal effectively makes that money an undisclosed campaign contribution — one $125,000 over the legal limit.
This put the Trump team in a bind. Either Trump had to admit to the affair and reveal that he himself paid Stormy’s hush money, or his longtime lawyer and close friend would be in serious legal jeopardy. In addition to the payment itself constituting a serious crime, prosecutors suspect Cohen acquired the money after misleading banks on how he intended to use it.
Of course, Trump threw his friend under the bus.
When reporters on Air Force One asked him if he knew about Stormy’s payment, Trump said, “No.”
Pandora’s box opened, and F.B.I. agents spilled out.
On Monday, the FBI raided the office, home, and hotel room of Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen. They seized documents related to the payment of women who claimed to have had affairs with Trump. In order to conduct the raid, a federal judge approved a no-knock warrant, which requires an immense amount of ironclad evidence of wrongdoing, in particular because Cohen is a lawyer potentially protected by attorney-client privilege. However, such a privilege does not exist in cases where the lawyer and client actively plot to commit crimes together.
With such broad access to Cohen’s documentations (screened first to omit any documents protected by attorney-client privilege — the ones proving illegal activity safely go through), many expect the F.B.I. to uncover numerous crimes committed by the man who has been Trump’s lawyer for decades. Already, reports indicate that the F.B.I. is looking at records related to Cohen’s taxicab business.
Stormy’s lawyer, Avenatti, happily boasts of the role he’s played in triggering the chain of events that led to the raid.
Given that the case is such an easy slam dunk, however, Avenatti grows restless.
Wingding Ding Ding
Despite all the action, things might even get a little more boring for the pornographic actress and her media-savvy lawyer.
“We were contacted by various attorneys from the government who are looking into this,” said Avenatti on CNN. “We’re going to cooperate fully… [and] be as user friendly as possible. We’re going to respect the process. We understand the seriousness of this. This took on a whole ‘nother level within the last 48 hours.”
The government attorneys were frustrated to find the materials provided by Avenatti entirely in Wingdings font. Furthermore, some, it seemed, were in Wingdings 2.
“We’re going to cooperate fully,” said Avenatti, “even if that means switching the font into something boring like Times New Roman.”
Even with all of his court filings in an indecipherable pictographic font, legal experts familiar with the documentation agreed that Avenatti had a foolproof case.
“It’s all there,” said one legal expert. “Compared to what Trump and Cohen have, this case is one of the strongest I’ve ever seen. I mean, it’s just a bunch of nonsense pictures, like curly ampersands, crosses, astrological signs, pointing fingers, flags, and such, all arranged in an order that doesn’t actually make up a coherent language — but it’s a much stronger case than Trump’s. Much stronger. I mean, how can you have a valid NDA when one of the two people in the agreement isn’t even aware it exists? That doesn’t make any sense.”
“If I had been using Helvetica,” said Avenatti, “Trump would have been impeached last November.”
Can They Still Be Your Lawyer If They’re In Jail?
Avenatti is not hopeful of Cohen’s chances to deal with the pressure. In fact, he feels sorry for him.
“He’s going to be expected to be the fall guy, the scapegoat. I don’t think he’s going to hold up,” he told MSNBC. “I think, when push comes to shove, he’s going to fold like a cheap deck of cards.”
Neither can Trump cope with the pressure.
In a series of tweets utilizing a creative use of caps lock, Trump declared attorney-client privilege to be dead. Furthermore, reports swirl speculating the imminent firing of the special counsel Robert Mueller.
The action would closely mirror the Saturday Night Massacre, the chain of events said to lead to President Nixon’s resignation. Though there’s good reason to doubt the GOP-led Congress would take appropriate action in the face of a Constitutional crisis, the insane, desperate action would lead to mass protest and outrage around the country.
The elimination of Mueller’s investigation (though it certainly wouldn’t end with him — for instance, it now independently includes the federal US Attorney’s Office in Manhattan) would lead to only one logical response. Lots of Wingdings.
You know, like: “F$%@ TRUMP!”