People We Wish Got Clobbered by the Falling Chinese Space Station

chinese space station

Late on April Fool’s Day, a Chinese space station fell from orbit. Actually not a joke! Buts surely someone made an error. Turns out, likely yes, but that’s not all! This is apparently the normal process for disposing of stuff orbiting the Earth that loses communications: let the chips fall (literally) where they may. Although the folks in charge of space normally try not to let something as big as this Chinese space station just tumble its way back to Earth.

chinese space station trajectory
Look at all the unlikeable people the Chinese space station could have partied with! Credit: Aerospace Corporation

So where did the Chinese space station end up dropping out of orbit? Uninterestingly, it was somewhere over the Pacific ocean. And to think, there are so many worthier targets. Here’s are some people that we’d rather see get hit by a flaming hunk of Chinese space junk.

John Bolton

john bolton chinese space station
Credit: Michael Vadon [CC BY 2.0]
I would love for John Bolton to make intimate acquaintance with a man-sized orbital capsule moving at outrageous velocities. As it says in the Good Book, live by the sword, die by the falling space debris, right? Hypocrites especially, I should think.

Bolton is one of those regrettable folks that advocates tooth and nail for violence while conveniently never putting himself in harm’s way. During Vietnam, he dodged military service by joining the National Guard. Today, he advocates for preemptive strikes again North Korea and Iran, reinstating the draft (you know, the one he dodged and a huge factor in the Vietnam War’s unpopularity), and producing more nuclear weapons.

So glad that, as National Security Advisor, he has the ear of President Trump. They seem like real soul mates, real gal pals. I wonder if they stay up late together imagining how to “look tough” for the rest of the world and writing opinion columns about how stupid liberals are for not wanting to kill a bunch of people over things like national pride.


Ann Coulter

ann coulter chinese space station
Credit: Gage Skidmore [CC BY-SA 3.0]
Ann Coulter is the kind of person you follow on Twitter when you want your blood to boil. You know, just like the water might boil when a falling Chinese space station smashes into it. Perhaps Ann, on a cruise, might find herself on the receiving end of just such a delivery?

If you’ve followed politics for any length of time, you know Ann Coulter as a rabble-rousing conservative pundit who avoids sense like you or me avoid space stations. Not our brave Ann! In the face of overwhelming evidence, she’s happy to continually parrot the party line, even if it conflicts with last week’s party line. As an intrepid journalist, she’ll track down the truth and then distort it to fit her audience’s pre-conceived notions. And who cares if she encourages hatred or shuts down rational discussion: she’s here for the clicks!

Alex Jones

alex jones chinese space station
Credit: Sean P. Anderson [CC BY 2.0]
Honestly, if Alex Jones got eliminated by an orbital device, I’d be a little bit sad. The dude produces some of the most insane content on Earth, and he does it all with the sincerity of a small child telling you facts about dinosaurs that they just learned. His ignorant childishness would almost be sweet if it wasn’t also in the service of destructive conspiracy theories. But then I might have Stockholm Syndrome.

Jones’ native Texas is well within the path of the Chinese space station, and he’d make a wonderful recipient for some space memorbilia—if only because of the incredible conspiracy theories it would produce. Only in my wildest dreams can I imagine what his foaming-at-the-mouth listeners would make of such an insane event. It’s got everything Jones loves, too: the Chinese being bad, space stuff, unlikely coincidences producing untenable connections. It’s perfect fodder for them.

Keep your heads up out there, unlikeable conservatives. We wouldn’t want to see anything bad happen to you.

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Alex Fox


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