Banning Assault Weapons Would Totally End ‘Murica As We Know It!


The very nature of ‘Murica is at stake.

We’re not talking about the pansy, shell of a country that liberals call “America,” we’re talking about ‘Murica, Trump-voting freedom fighters who represent the last vestige of the “great” country that the President is always yammering on about in his speeches. ‘Murica is the bro-tastic, beer-swilling, Lynyrd-Skynyrd-loving, Civil War statue supporting, and — most of all — gun-obsessed crowd that represents the pure, beating heart of our nation.

Those beautiful Americans are currently under fire from a group of treacherous government bureaucrats and a growing horde of know-nothing rugrats who think that they deserve a voice just because they’re Americans who have seen first hand the devastation of which an assault rifle is capable. These punks are trying to strip the very soul of ‘Murica by taking away what the NRA calls, “America’s Rifle.”

AR-15
Try to hold one without getting a boner.

And without an AR-15 to shoot into the sky at their nighttime swamp bonfires, the lifestyle that represents the very best America has to offer could be in grave danger.

Making Political Hay Out of a Tragedy

On February 14, 2018, Nikolas Cruz — with help from an AR-15 — walked onto the campus of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, and murdered 14 students and three members of the faculty. In the weeks following the undeniable tragedy, the students at Marjory Stoneman have refused to play ball and shut the heck up about the growing problem of violence in our schools.

See, usually, when something horrible like the Parkland shooting occurs, Second Amendment people get the quick win by saying that now isn’t the time to talk about guns. Here’s a great example of this strategy:

When a gunman opened fire on a Las Vegas crowd in October of 2017 killing 58 people and injuring 851 more, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders (portrait below) responded by saying, “Today is a day for consoling of survivors and mourning those we lost … There is a time and place for political debate but now is a time to unite as a country.”

sarah-huckabee-sanders
Thanks, Jim Carrey!

According to the government, there is definitely a time and a place to talk about guns, and it’s tomorrow. Or maybe next week would work better. They’ll get back to you.

That strategy combined with a new episode of The Big Bang Theory usually gets the job done, but the entitled little nerds at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School refuse to get with the program.

The Stupid March for Their Stupid Lives

On March 24, the kids from Marjory Stoneman Douglass led a march 800,000 strong in Washington, DC, in addition to a series of other similar marches held in cities throughout the country.

At the moment, it looks like these teenagers may get people thinking about revising gun laws, at least at the state level.

Assault weapon bans have been proposed in Oregon, Delaware, Illinois, California, and a whole slew of other states around the nation. Even Florida, a state that loves guns more than they love ratty beach towns and mosquito-borne diseases, is considering putting a vote on assault weapons in front of the general public. But, why?

An assault rifle ban is a clear violation of the personal freedom every American has to wield a weapon that, in the words of one ER doctor overseeing Parkland victims, made an organ look, “like an overripe melon smashed by a sledgehammer.”

Why would you not want something that ferociously, catastrophically awesome on the streets?

The AR-15 Is Spreading Freedom, One Round at a Time

Before these little upstarts, people were listening to reason. They weren’t being distracted by a bunch of photogenic kids who happen to have a really, really, (really, really, really) valid argument. No, before Parkland, people still listened to reason(s). Specifically, the “reason(s)” the NRA gave out to avoid as to why assault rifles were important — nay! — essential to living the ‘Murican life.

Following a shooting in 2013, former NRA president Marion Hammer responded to Sen. Dianne Feinstein’s proposed assault weapon ban by saying, “banning people and things because of the way they look went out a long time ago. But here they are again. The color of a gun. The way it looks. It’s just bad politics.”

So, banning assault weapons is exactly like racism, and since racism doesn’t exist in the United States anymore, it, therefore, poses no harm to anyone. Just like assault weapons. Boom. Logic’d.

If the “banning guns is supporting racism” argument failed to hit the mark, there are other ways to get around talking about guns. You could blame the violence on video games, for example. Unfortunately, some liberal gun-hater taught the Parkland kids to use Twitter.

Alright, if you’re being fried in the court of public opinion like the NRA, there are still options that can help make people see the light. The NRA doesn’t need a lot of people behind them, after all, because their total membership comprises only 1.5 percent of the US population. No, the NRA doesn’t need people, because they have gobs of money. Money they use to protect the integrity of ‘Murica. Their favorite way to spend that money is to buy a politician, just like the gods of capitalism intended.

And let me tell you, $55 million spent on lobbying and campaigns during an election year will buy one heck of a lot of politicians.

Again, though, these Parkland squirts just won’t listen to their elders.

This kind of continued disrespect and frankly rude behavior may just rip out the guts of ‘Murica by forcing an honest and open discussion about the danger presented by assault weapons.

Clamp Your Hands Over Your Ears and Hum, and Maybe They’ll Go Away

Right now, the country is in the middle of a spying controversy, an election meddling investigation, and a good, old-fashioned political sex scandal. Yet, the survivors of Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School refuse to be drowned out. It’s the most obnoxious form of heroism.

These kids can’t vote or pay taxes, so naturally, they’re not entitled to voice their opinion about the direction their country is taking. Even more than that, we as adults should actively discourage their interest in world matters.

Let’s just agree that the kids should go back to crushing candy and taking the selfies, and us adults will go back to firing assault weapons and talking endlessly about how the undisciplined, disorganized youth of America are the ones ruining the country … not us asshats running the show.

To preserve ‘Murica, the path forward is clear. We need to act like our forefathers, break the yoke of teenaged oppression, and listen to our betters by supporting assault rifles on behalf of the NRA. It’s what Abraham Lincoln would have done.

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