“Bulbous Salutation”: Morrissey’s Badly-Written Sex Scene [Twitter Reacts]

It seems 2015 is finding its fair share of cringe-worthy moments in literature lately. From the soul-crushing reveal of the man Atticus Finch has become, to Christian Grey’s unique, driven perspective (hint: “music to my d*ck”. Enough said) this year has been more a horror-house experience than a roller coaster ride for bibliophiles everywhere.

Here’s one more for the books.

You probably understand by now that writing a sex scene — a really good sex scene, at that — no walk in the park. For an experience so intimate and personal, it needs just the right amount of everything, else it turns too violent, too vulgar, too unbelievable — yes, even too IKEA.

But hey, that hasn’t stopped many an intrepid author to pen their own erotica, and crooner Morrissey is certainly no exception. His new novel(la), The List of the Lost, has been reviewed as “verbose, tangential, and unfocused”, but that’s not what we’re here for right now, oh no.

It’s more about this excerpt from a sex scene Morrissey penned:

“Bulbous salutation”. Let that sink in a bit more.

Yep, the former lead singer of the Smiths has given writing a go, and Twitter users just had to chime in with the confusing descriptions, way-too-little punctuation, and sex scenes that make readers just lose the ability to can.

Barrel roll? Breasts? How do sexy time?

Oh, right, of course they were in tumble-dry mode.

Some began doubting Morrissey’s alleged sexual prowess. If this is how he gets it on, well…

The horror!

Other tweeps did their own takes on some choice moves mentioned.

Well, Morrissey, you tried. Can’t fault you there, though maybe next time, having an editor around would be wise.

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