It seems 2015 is finding its fair share of cringe-worthy moments in literature lately. From the soul-crushing reveal of the man Atticus Finch has become, to Christian Grey’s unique, driven perspective (hint: “music to my d*ck”. Enough said) this year has been more a horror-house experience than a roller coaster ride for bibliophiles everywhere.
Here’s one more for the books.
You probably understand by now that writing a sex scene — a really good sex scene, at that — no walk in the park. For an experience so intimate and personal, it needs just the right amount of everything, else it turns too violent, too vulgar, too unbelievable — yes, even too IKEA.
But hey, that hasn’t stopped many an intrepid author to pen their own erotica, and crooner Morrissey is certainly no exception. His new novel(la), The List of the Lost, has been reviewed as “verbose, tangential, and unfocused”, but that’s not what we’re here for right now, oh no.
It’s more about this excerpt from a sex scene Morrissey penned:
Try reading this excerpt of Morrissey's novel, then try forgetting you ever read the the words "bulbous salutation". pic.twitter.com/Qnwb0RWqm7
— theQuietus (@theQuietus) September 24, 2015
“Bulbous salutation”. Let that sink in a bit more.
Yep, the former lead singer of the Smiths has given writing a go, and Twitter users just had to chime in with the confusing descriptions, way-too-little punctuation, and sex scenes that make readers just lose the ability to can.
Barrel roll? Breasts? How do sexy time?
HOW do you barrel roll your breasts though? Like, do they have to twirl round each other in a double helix formation? #BulbousSalutation
— Elizabeth Cairns (@cairnage) September 24, 2015
Oh, right, of course they were in tumble-dry mode.
That Morrissey sex scene actually makes perfect sense if you imagine they're doing it in a tumble dryer. Trust me.
— Clarisse Loughrey (@clarisselou) September 24, 2015
Some began doubting Morrissey’s alleged sexual prowess. If this is how he gets it on, well…
80% certain that Morrissey's never had sex pic.twitter.com/FxjUWZmvOj
— Alan (@alan_maguire) September 24, 2015
I'm reading Morrissey's novel with one hand pressed to my mouth. The horror. What has He done?
— Julie McDowall (@ariel_mcdowall) September 22, 2015
Other tweeps did their own takes on some choice moves mentioned.
— Lorelei King (@LoreleiKing) September 24, 2015
Anyone down for a clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation? #bulboussalutation I'm dying here. Dying, I tell you.
— Wee Moo (@clairetheweemoo) September 24, 2015
can't get "the otherwise central zone" out of my head
— paula blart (@mama_tuna) September 24, 2015
Well, Morrissey, you tried. Can’t fault you there, though maybe next time, having an editor around would be wise.
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