Liam, Samuel and Hank use a lot of Kleenex. They use so much Kleenex that their mother has taken to Amazon to pen a five star review.
In a review entitled “A Mother’s Struggle,” she writes: “I want to start this off by thanking Kleenex for selling these in 36-packs. I’ve put it on subscription, and if they want to start selling a 72-pack, sign me up. I have three reasons for needing this much Kleenex, and their names are Liam, Samuel and Hank. This is how it goes in this house. First the Kleenex disappears. Then the toilet paper. Then they go for fabrics.”
This mom isn’t ignorant. She knows what her teenage sons are doing with the Kleenex. She doesn’t come out and say it but she does urge Kleenex to come out with a more absorbent product to stop her sons from ruining more socks.
She writes: “This used to be a good Christian home. But it’s not about moral judgment anymore. I’m way beyond that. I’m in survival mode. If I don’t supply absorbent paper products, I’m going to find my dish towels hidden in the basement, stiff as aluminum. The other day, I almost cut my hand on a sock. I am sorry to speak so frankly, but with three teenage boys, a woman has got to be practical.”
So what does practical mean? Well, this mother of three masturbating boys has decided to be as noisy as possible. She knocks on every door that she passes and is considering getting a cowbell. Not because she wants to stop her boys. She just doesn’t want to walk in on them.
She writes: “The funny part is, they think they’re being sneaky, with their 45 minute showers and sudden need for “privacy”, as if I’m going to walk in on them journaling. They slink around the house like unfixed cats, while I try to announce my location at all times. No one needs to ask me to knock anymore. I knock on the walls. I practically wear a cow bell. I’m not looking to catch anyone by surprise, believe me. I’m just trying to get through this.”
This is a great Amazon Kleenex review. Unfortunately, it’s not really true. The review was written by James O. Thach, a children’s author who has earned a spot as one of Amazon’s top reviewers thanks to his satirical stories.
photo credit: Adam Kuban