Cap’n Crunch Isn’t Really A Cap’n, Is A Childhood Ruiner [Twitter Reacts]


Cap'n Crunch Commander

You might have seen a bit of disturbing news about Cap’n Crunch today. An image posted to Reddit and Imgur pointed out that due to the number of stripes on his sleeves, the cereal icon is actually just a lousy Commander, and therefore a childhood ruiner.

The revelation has caused the Internet to exploded with disappointment and despair, even as the “Cap’n” himself tries to do damage control and dispel the rumor on Twitter.

Yeah, we’re not 5-years-old anymore, “Cap’n,” and we don’t buy that bullshit explanation! We’re with Foodbeast’s Charisma Madarang who said that her whole life was just “shattered into a pile of stale cereal crumbs” by the revelation that we now have to say “Crunchatize me, Commander” when it’s breakfast time.

We should note that there is an explanation floating around out there suggesting that Cap’n Crunch is still a Captain, so long as we’re playing by French rules where three stripes denotes a “Capitaine de frégate,” but that’s somehow worse.

Additionally, “Capitaine de frégate” translates to “Commander” in English, so, you know, back to square one.

Anyway, on to the massive outpouring of existential grief and black comedy found on Twitter in reaction to the Cap’n Crunch scandal.

Are you depressed that Cap’n Crunch is really just a lousy Commander?


Dusten Carlson
Dusten has written for web and print and currently spends his time working on his upcoming graphic novel. He is also almost 30 and still has all of his hair.

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